Well Intentioned Disrespect
My sister, who is still a "member" of the LDS church but not active (or a believer in anything spiritual for that matter,) called me last night to ask if my wife and I were planning on having our new baby blessed in the church. She's well aware of my complete apostasy from the faith of our youth and has been very supportive of my decision.
When I told her no, she then asked me if I had been approached about it by anyone in our family or by my TBM in-laws. Since most of these people know about my departure from the church, no one has bothered to bring up the subject. I keep expecting my wife to do so, but she hasn't either. She's still a garment-wearing member, although due to my influence, she hasn't been to church in several months. If she was to insist on having the baby blessed, I would probably give my consent, but only in the interest of keeping the peace between us.
Then my sister, who had her first child just a few months ago, proceeded to tell me that her father-in-law (another TBM), went ahead and submitted her baby's name to the church records division despite the fact that my sister and her husband had both told him that they had no intention of having their baby blessed in the church.
Now, I'm sure that my sister's FIN was just doing what he thought was best, but he clearly overstepped his bounds.
I asked my sister if she was planning on confronting him about his decision to go over their heads and make the kid a member anyway, and she said that in order to keep the peace, she would just let the matter drop. I told her that it was her decision to make, but that it's important to establish firm boundaries with LDS friends and family members.
As the title of this post indicates, the well intentions of TBM friends and family can often be very disrespectful to those of us who want nothing to do with the church. It's so unfortunate that we ex-mos (or in my sister's case, non-believing-mos) are in the minority here in Utah and have to tip-toe around sensitive religious beliefs for the sake of maintaining civil relations with those around us. Why is it that TBMs can expect to freely discuss church topics or have their little prayers in public places, but are quick to sneer or scoff at people who voice an opposing opinion? It hardly seems fair.
I really have nothing against the general membership of the LDS church - most Mormons are kind, honest, sincere folks who are just trying to do what they think is right. I used to be one of them. I was under the false (and arrogant) impression that only Mormons had the truth about God and how to get to heaven. I've since relized the error of this mind-set and have completely abandoned it. But most Mormons don't know what we ex-mos know. They haven't bothered to question the validity of their religious beliefs, or the history of their own church or its leaders. I dare to estimate that 95% (or more) of the general membership of the LDS church are simply unaware of all its many problems.
And although it's perfectly acceptable for Mormons to freely discuss their beliefs to others, they aren't usually very receptive to people discussing something that opposes their views. I'm reminded of the YouTube video by John Safran, an athiest, who makes an attempt to go door to door in Salt Lake City, just as the Mormon missionaries do, in an effort to spread his message of athiesm. The responses from TBM's in this video are classic! You'd think Safran was talking to them about Nazism or the KKK from the way they're treated. It's a classic double standard.
Anyway, I told my sister that I would be happy to help her have her baby's name removed from the records of the church if she so desired.
(Oh, and for the record, neither my sister or I intend on completely keeping our children out of the Mormon church, we are both planning on letting them make that decision for themselves when they are old enough to do so - we just refuse to allow them to be indoctrinated at such a young age by sending them to Primary or other church-sponsored functions.)
But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if we take the steps to have our names removed from the membership records of the church or not. Once we die, our well-intentioned TBM relatives will take it upon themselves to have us put back on and go through the silly motions of having our temple work done.
Silly Mormons.
When I told her no, she then asked me if I had been approached about it by anyone in our family or by my TBM in-laws. Since most of these people know about my departure from the church, no one has bothered to bring up the subject. I keep expecting my wife to do so, but she hasn't either. She's still a garment-wearing member, although due to my influence, she hasn't been to church in several months. If she was to insist on having the baby blessed, I would probably give my consent, but only in the interest of keeping the peace between us.
Then my sister, who had her first child just a few months ago, proceeded to tell me that her father-in-law (another TBM), went ahead and submitted her baby's name to the church records division despite the fact that my sister and her husband had both told him that they had no intention of having their baby blessed in the church.
Now, I'm sure that my sister's FIN was just doing what he thought was best, but he clearly overstepped his bounds.
I asked my sister if she was planning on confronting him about his decision to go over their heads and make the kid a member anyway, and she said that in order to keep the peace, she would just let the matter drop. I told her that it was her decision to make, but that it's important to establish firm boundaries with LDS friends and family members.
As the title of this post indicates, the well intentions of TBM friends and family can often be very disrespectful to those of us who want nothing to do with the church. It's so unfortunate that we ex-mos (or in my sister's case, non-believing-mos) are in the minority here in Utah and have to tip-toe around sensitive religious beliefs for the sake of maintaining civil relations with those around us. Why is it that TBMs can expect to freely discuss church topics or have their little prayers in public places, but are quick to sneer or scoff at people who voice an opposing opinion? It hardly seems fair.
I really have nothing against the general membership of the LDS church - most Mormons are kind, honest, sincere folks who are just trying to do what they think is right. I used to be one of them. I was under the false (and arrogant) impression that only Mormons had the truth about God and how to get to heaven. I've since relized the error of this mind-set and have completely abandoned it. But most Mormons don't know what we ex-mos know. They haven't bothered to question the validity of their religious beliefs, or the history of their own church or its leaders. I dare to estimate that 95% (or more) of the general membership of the LDS church are simply unaware of all its many problems.
And although it's perfectly acceptable for Mormons to freely discuss their beliefs to others, they aren't usually very receptive to people discussing something that opposes their views. I'm reminded of the YouTube video by John Safran, an athiest, who makes an attempt to go door to door in Salt Lake City, just as the Mormon missionaries do, in an effort to spread his message of athiesm. The responses from TBM's in this video are classic! You'd think Safran was talking to them about Nazism or the KKK from the way they're treated. It's a classic double standard.
Anyway, I told my sister that I would be happy to help her have her baby's name removed from the records of the church if she so desired.
(Oh, and for the record, neither my sister or I intend on completely keeping our children out of the Mormon church, we are both planning on letting them make that decision for themselves when they are old enough to do so - we just refuse to allow them to be indoctrinated at such a young age by sending them to Primary or other church-sponsored functions.)
But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if we take the steps to have our names removed from the membership records of the church or not. Once we die, our well-intentioned TBM relatives will take it upon themselves to have us put back on and go through the silly motions of having our temple work done.
Silly Mormons.
posted by Al Jordan | 6:56 AM
6 Comments:
You make a good point.
I'm not anywhere close to taking my records off the church. It might selfish of me, but I'd rather fake it in the church than have to deal with all of the crap that I would have to deal with if I were to leave the church entirely. Thats the reason for my paranoia.
The double standard is certainly troublesome. I think it has to do with the mindset of most TBM's. They are very comfortable discussing their testimony and how great the church is but they don't know how to deal with any discussion about anything that might not align with their own views. We also see this when two people don't share the same political views. Its hard to not take things personally and most people either get heated or retreat.
In Utah, if you don't have the same religious philosophy as the rest, you are looked down on and people would rather not talk to you unless they are feeling especially missionary minded and then they will only give you the time of day if you seem interested in hearing the discussions.
/paranoidfr33k
You're probably very justified in being paranoid. Being a non-mormon in Utah is difficult enough, but being an ex-Mormon is even worse.
While I can't cite the specifics right now, I've read about people who have left the church and subsequently lost jobs, spouses, and/or their kids.
I find it extremely sad and ironic that a so-called "church" that claims to be so supportive of families can tear them apart when somebody leaves it.
If you think it's best to remain in the church despite what you know about it, you have my support.
I've been lucky in my journey out of the LDS church, I guess. I have some friends and family who, although they are still members of the church, aren't believers in it and were very supportive of my decision to leave. And my TBM wife must love me more than she loves the church because she's still with me and would rather spend Sundays with me and the kids than 4 hours at church. Thank God for that!
I'll check out your blog from time to time paranoid for updates on your journey.
Good luck!
I've also read about those who have lost their spouses, kids, jobs, family, etc after leaving the church. That isn't a worry for me. Its the rest of my family. Both my family and my wifes (except for her father) are very active in the church. My family is very, very TBM and I don't feel that I can deal with all of that if I were to leave the church right now.
I wouldn't call my wife TBM. She's Mormon, but she has some doubts about the church, although those doubts are different than mine. Its not something that we discuss often becuase we just don't bring it up. Its on my mind constantly so I blog and participate with comments and such, but she isn't exactly active in the church either so I just let things stay as they are.
If my wife was more "spiritual" and "righteous" then I might be worried. But I'm certain, as certain as one can be, that my wife will not leave me. If she was going to, she would have left me already. She already knows that I don't beleive the first vision and that I have problems with most of the history of the church that the church teaches. I think I'm safe, in that regard any way.
I'm glad that your wife has been able to accept your decision. I hate the fact that many spouses love the church more than their spouses. But then again, if they are completely blinded by the church, then they will follow what they are taught and find someone who will be faithful to their God rather than the ones they love.
/paranoidfr33k
I know what you mean when you say it's on your mind constantly. I'm the same way. There's some truth to the pro-mormon saying that some of us who leave the church can't leave it alone.
I'm not much of an activist though - usually I try to bide by the philosophy of live and let live - but ever since I discovered all the problems there are within the church (it all started with the whole Quakers on the moon fiasco) I've been absolutely fascinated by it.
It's like I just can't learn enough about it - even after almost two years of research and blogging.
Part of it is prep work though. I want to be fully prepared for when I'm challenged on my decision to leave.
And another reason for blogging with like-minded people like you is for justification purposes, I suppose.
Having been born and raised in the church and it being such a big part of my life for so long, it's damn near impossible to just drop it and move on as if it had never happened to me.
I kind of want to get one of those bumper stickers for my car that reads "Recovering Mormon." I don't mind advertising my apostasy.
I also feel the need to justify. I might leave it alone if there wasn't so much stuff out there to sift through. If I found a few alarming things, then I would probably get over it. But there is SO much stuff out there that alarms me about my past beliefs that its hard to just let it go. Its facinating to read and research things and see it all in a whole different light.
/paranoidfr33k
People should read this.
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