The Agnostic Missionary

My mother labeled me a "missionary" last night.

I believe my exact reaction was: "huh?"

We were speaking via telephone and I had somehow steered our conversation to the reasons behind my apostasy from the LDS faith, which to her may have sounded like I was preaching my own brand of anti-mormon gospel.

"You're like a missionary in that you're trying to convert other people to your way of thinking."

(Just for the record, I did not serve a 2 year mission for the mormon church. Instead, I opted to serve my country for 3 1/2 years of active duty - both overseas and within CONUS. I have several close friends who served missions though, most of which left the church long before I even started questioning it.)

Well, I suppose that to a certain degree, mom had a point.

I responded thusly:
"It's not like I talk to just anybody about my beliefs, mom. The only people I've really discussed these issues with are you, my wife and Lynn (my sister). I don't tell people to think like me, I'm only trying to make the point that there is more to church history than what we've been given as members. We're given the "official" version of the history and never told that there's another side of it. All I'm asking is for you to take an honest look at this other information and make an informed, rational decision as to whether or not you want to keep believing in the church."

"So you haven't even talked to your father about this?"

Yep, good old dad. My parents divorced when I was but a wee lad and while I've tried to maintain a good relationship with him, he's moved around a lot and doesn't spend much time with me. He was excommunicated from the church years ago but fought his way back into it, so he's obviously a dedicated follower. On the rare occasions I can get him on the phone, all he seems able to talk about it is all the temple work he's been doing. Ugh. It makes me sick to think I used to participate in all that necromancing hogwash.

"Well, sort of. I mentioned that I was thinking about leaving the church but he must have thought I was kidding because he treated it like it was a joke."

I'm really not sure how my dad would take such news if I assured him I was serious about it. I don't think he'd disown me or anything, although his mother sure would. If I ever dared admit my complete lack of faith in the church to good ol' grandma, only one of us would leave the room alive. She'd either have a heart attack right then and there or get grampa's hunting rifle and shoot me on the spot. Blood Atonement in action.

There are only a handful of people in my life that are fully aware of the about face I've taken concerning my religious beliefs. At least, those whom I've spoken to directly about it. A couple of my close friends, and my immediate family members. Surprisingly, my wife had mentioned it to our Bishop, his First Councelor as well as to her very active parents. This came as a surpise to me when she told me about it since I hadn't gotten a call from the Bish, or her dad (who, at the time, was also a Bishop). Apparently, she'd asked the bishop to just leave me alone as I worked through it. (So that's why the Home Teachers stopped calling to make appointments to come over!)

So I've managed to avoid any serious discussions (interrogations?) with anyone outside my immediate family and dodged the bullet of a "court of love" thus far, but I know my luck won't last too much longer. I don't know, maybe the bishop just doesn't want to have to deal with me right now and he'll leave it all up to his successor.

I went ahead and composed a letter detailing my unbelief. I addressed it "Dear Friends and Family" but have yet to mail it to anyone. It was more of an exercise than a real desire to spread the news of my "falling away." It helps to just get some of this baggage off my shoulders, either by talking about it to someone willing to listen or to write about it. (Hence this blog.)

Even though my mom didn't ask me what I currently believe in, I went ahead and told her anyway. I consider myself an agnostic. I can't find an explaination plausible enough to make me believe that this world and this life is all just a manifestation of chance. There simply must be a higher power and intelligent design behind it all. But who has the truth? All religions claim to have it, but they can't all be right. So I don't think any of them are. There may be elements of truth scattered amoung them, but the "we are the one and only true church on the face of the earth" claim is at best, ridiculous.

But I guess that's just the agnostic missionary in me talking.