Talking To My Zelph

Missionaries on Krypton!

2009-11-21T08:55:00.002-07:00

I'm in the middle of reading The Last Days of Krypton by Kevin J. Anderson, and on page 206 I found what I consider to be a good description of LDS missionaries. Of course, this novel has nothing to do with Mormonism, and the paragraph I'm refering to is of "Krypton's ambitious younger nobles" whom Commissioner Zod seeks to exploit in his bid for world power.

He writes:

"Many of them were barely out of their teens, with fire in their blood. What they lacked in experience and reasonable caution they made up for with radical enthusiasm. They were young enough to be naive, convinced of their own righteousness, never imagining that their closely held beliefs might be wrong. They were perfect for what Zod had in mind."

Now I'll grant you, I never served an LDS mission, although I was a TBM at the age of 19 and I had a similar mindset to those young men who did. I was SURE that I had the truth, and I pitied anyone who didn't have "the gospel".

It took many years, some intense research and plenty of soul searching to realize that yes, I was wrong.

It's not an easy thing - admitting that you're wrong.

But that's the first real step to recovery, isn't it?

Silly Things Mormons Say #2

2009-05-08T23:29:00.004-07:00

For the record, I had intended these "silly things" to be an extensive series, but it fizzled out rather quickly. I think I had actually started a #2 months ago, but never got around to finishing it. At any rate, here's something silly that I heard recently that I thought would be suitable for this kind of post.

I share an office with two other fellows - one is a lapsed mormon, such as myself, and the other is still immersed eyebrow-deep in the "church".

Shortly after payday one day, my uber-mormon office mate gets up from his desk and announces to us that he's going to go out to lunch. He walks out only to return a moment later and he sits back down.

We asked him if he was still going out for something to eat and he replies that no, he realized he can't really afford to go out to eat because his paycheck is what pays the house payment (they just bought a new one not too long ago) and his last paycheck wasn't enough to cover the payment.

(Now, I know for a fact that he's a full and honest tithe payer because I overhear him discussing finances with his wife over the phone constantly.)

I was SO tempted to say "you know, you can give yourself a ten percent raise right now by not paying your tithing anymore", but I held my tongue. I'm sure that in his mind, such an idea would be nigh unthinkable. He's gotta pay his way into heaven!

It just boggles my mind that people can be convinced of such absurdities. Hey, I once fell for it too, but at least I had a good excuse - I was raised in TSCC and didn't know any better. This guy actually CONVERTED to the mindlessness!

I feel sorry for him and those like him. I really do.

If I can step onto my soapbox for just a brief moment here:

STOP THROWING YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY AWAY TO THIS JOKE OF A RELIGION!
They don't need your money. Jesus doesn't need your money. If you really want to donate it to a good cause, there are plenty of other reputable organizations out there. Hell, give some money to the Red Cross - I have! LDS Inc, will never see another dime from me for as long as I draw breath. And don't be afraid to toss a couple of dollars to a panhandler. (I know the church discourages such donations to people hanging out around Temple Square - "Don't give to panhandlers! Give us your money and let us distribute it any way we see fit!")

What a con. IT'S ALL A CON!

Jesus (if he was even real) would never in a million years fault someone for choosing to feed and/or clothe their kids (or pay a house payment!!!!) instead of paying tithing. He, of all people, would encourage taking care of each other - NOT A RELIGIOUS INSTITUTION.

If I was still a praying man, I would pray for people who are caught up in all these despicable lies and deceptions.

Take some baby-steps toward your own freedom, be it religious, financial, or both. At the very least, stop paying your tithing - especially if you can't afford it. Don't allow anyone to dupe you into thinking you have to pay your way to the celestial kingdom. If it's real and you're a good person, you'll probably end up there anyway.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

(Oh wait, that's another speech entirely.)

Baby steps my friends...baby steps. I promise it isn't too bad on this side of the fence. :)

Wow, It's Been Awhile!

2009-05-08T23:16:00.003-07:00

Wow, I can't believe it's almost been 7 months since my last post!

Not that I haven't had anything to say - I guess I've just been busy with this, that and the other. That, and I think I'm finally evolving beyond the need to obsess over all things silly...er, I mean Mormon...er, I mean religious. The river or life has flowed ever onward and I have allowed myself to be carried downstream amidst all its frothy goodness.

I can say that when I was a TBM, I thought I was happy - because I thought I was actually part of something unique and special and that I had some kind of special "knowledge" that those poor saps outside of TSCC didn't have, but now that I'm free of the bondage that was LDS membership, my life has improved a hundred fold (if not more so!) Life is a joy to live, because I have learned to savor and appreciate each and every little moment. No longer is this mortal realm just a "way-station" to that fabled eternal glory. It has become everything, because for all I know (or anyone knows, for that matter), this is it. This is all we will ever have, all we will ever be. This life is a one-time deal. No do-overs. No second chances. No resurrection and afterlife.

This.
Is.
It.

So we might as well enjoy it!

What are still reading this dumb blog for? Go out and LIVE!!!

Oh, and don't forget to live long and prosper (I saw Star Trek today - thought I'd try to fit it into this post somehow!)

Silly Things Mormons Say #1 (Just The First Of Many, I Assure You)

2008-10-11T07:18:00.003-07:00

Earlier this summer, I went to a barbecue at a cousin's house. That side of my family is as TBM as it gets (almost to the point of being ridiculous), but they're good people and they mean well.

As an exmo, I am now more "in-tune" so to speak of the silly comments that TBM's make without even really thinking about what they're saying or how it might affect those around them - especially those of us who have radically different religious views. Of course, since most of my extended family aren't even aware of my apostasy from THE church, I'm privvy to some of the more asinine comments because they assume I'm still in the same sinking boat that they are.

Anyway, at the barbecue, I overheard some woman that I don't know (probably one of their friends and/or neighbors) make a comment about anti-mormons. At the time, the whole Mormons-getting-blasted-by-the-Jews-for-baptizing-them-posthumously was prominent in the news media. This older woman at the barbecue was talking about "nothing can stop this work" and that she either knew or heard of a man (I can't remember now which was the case) who was very vocal against the church and was apparently some kind of speed bump on the road to the church's plans of world-domination.

She said that this man was trying to stop "the lard's" work and since the mormon god is some sort of cosmic, unstoppable juggernaut who can't stand any form of competition, he "removed" the man by giving him a heart attack and killing him.....six months later.

I couldn't help but shake my head in disgust after hearing the statement. This woman just didn't realize how stupid she sounded. So this supposed omnipotent, omnipresent, all-loving-yet-stragely-vengeful god, couldn't find any other way to remove the obstacle who was this unnamed man and saw fit to just kill him, but for some reason, had to wait 6 months to do it.

C'mon, lady. Let's pull your head and think through this. Could their POSSIBLY be another explanation, such as the guy just had a lousy ticker or unhealthy eating habits and just didn't exercise enough, thus causing his heart attack? It just simply HAD to be the lard who took him out of the equation?

Silly...just silly.

My 2 Cents on Prop. 8

2008-10-09T19:39:00.003-07:00

It seems to me that the LDS "church" is once again sticking it's nose where it doesn't belong with regards to California's Proposition 8.

First of all, what exactly IS Prop. 8? According to the entry on Wikipedia:

"Proposition 8 is an initiative measure on the 2008 California General Election ballot titled Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry. If passed, the proposition would change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California. A new section would be added stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

The "church" wants everyone in California, nay, THE ENTIRE WORLD, to believe and act and think just like they do. They want to prohibit otherwise law-abiding citizens (you know, those *gasp!* GAY people) from marrying each other and having the same rights and recognition that all us fantastic straight people have. (Please note my sarcasm here!)

The "church" has admonished their flocks in California to donate their time and resources in support of this ridiculous amendment that basically encourages close-mindedness, hatred and discrimination. (see the Salt Lake Tribune article "Young Mormons urged to join fight against gay marriage in California" by Peggy Fletcher Stack: http://www.sltrib.com/lds/ci_10671847 ).

As I see it, the "church" is welcome to enforce their own little rules and regulations upon their own members, but they have no right to push their religious agenda and ideals on anyone else. Are the gays knocking on the temple door demanding to be married within it's so-called "holy" walls? Not that I've seen. What does it really hurt to allow two men or two women, who love and care for each other to have the same rights and privelages as a heterosexual couple?

The answer, quite simply, is nothing. It doesn't hurt anyone or anything (although it might offend some people who are too stubborn - or stupid - to just let go of their bigotry and arrogance and just let other people live their own lives.)

For the record, when I was an active TBM, I allowed those blowhards in religious authority to convince me that a gay lifestyle was sinful, wicked and an abomination in the eyes of god.

Let me just say that I'm glad I'm not that guy anymore!

I've worked with and gotten to know some gay men at a previous job and I came to understand them and respect them - much more so than the holier-than-thou "brothers and sisters" of my faith. I came to realize that gay people are among the least judgmental and/or arrogant in the community, whereas most of the mormons I knew were quick to judge and condemn those with opposing views and lifestyles.

We should celebrate love in all its forms - be it straight or gay. It's a precious thing and should be encouraged and supported, not feared, hated, or limited in any way.

What's my bottom line? I am whole-heartedly AGAINST Prop. 8.

Say NO to bigotry and discrimination. Vote NO on Proposition 8.

The True Power of Priesthood Blessings

2008-04-12T10:32:00.006-07:00

A woman I knew recently passed away. She wasn't that old and she didn't have any serious health problems to speak of, so her death was a complete surprise.

While at her viewing (held, strangely enough, in the Relief Society room of a local LDS ward), I overheard an older gentlemen telling about how he was one of the last people to see her alive.

He told of how just the night before her death, he had gone to visit her and she had complained about not feeling very well - a headache or something - and that he had given her a priesthood blessing to help her feel better.

I was appalled at how this guy didn't seem to realize the utter irony of the situation. I'm sure that he completely believes that he has some kind of magic healing ability bestowed upon him as an extension of "the lord's" holy priesthood and that he fully expected her to be A-Okay after his little laying-on-of-hands fiasco. Sadly, it was not to be.

From listening to his story, it didn't appear that he even considered the possibility that his magnificent "priesthood authority" wasn't any more real than a Disney fairytale.

I feel sorry for him and people like him.

I can relate, of course, having been raised in that school of thought myself. I remember being taught that if I had but the faith comparable to the size of a mere mustard seed that I could move mountains (Matthew 17:19-20). As a child, I took such a lesson to heart and I tested the promise many times. I mean, how awesome would that have been? I pictured myself as Luke Skywalker in the swamps of Dagobah, levitating stones with my mind.

Nothing ever happened.

Couldn't move even a rock without having to step forward and kick it.

So I convinced myself that the problem then was with me. I simply didn't have enough faith. So I would try harder to do everything I was told I needed to do to please this invisible "god" that never really seemed to much of anything at all.

It's a pity that these kinds of foolish lies and fantasies are perpetuated from one generation to the next. I mean, seriously, how f@cked up is it to instill a belief system in a child that creates feelings of self-doubt, self-pity, and sometimes even self-hatred? To coerce an otherwise healthy individual into thinking that there's something wrong with them?

When I was a True Believing Mormon, I was NEVER comfortable with who I was, because I never felt like I was good enough or that I deserved any "blessings" from Mr. Elohim or his sidekick Jehovah. It messed with my head something fierce.

Thankfully, all that has changed. I'm still trying to de-program my thought processes from all those years of youthful indoctrination, but I think I'm making some serious progress.

To any and all of you who might be taking a similar journey, I wish you well.

Just don't expect me to lay my hands upon your head in a futile attempt to tap into some spiritual powers - I doubt it would do much good.

My Current Religious Status

2008-02-15T21:44:00.002-07:00

Once I left Mormonism, I briefly considered looking into a more mainstream branch of Christianity - something non-denominational, but my personal studies had extended from Mormonism to Christian and then Religion in general. The only logical (for me) conclusion I could come to was that I didn't know, so I adopted the label of being an agnostic.

I didn't really think that anyone else in the world had an absolute knowledge of religious truth, either, so my mantra became "I don't know, and neither do you." I later learned that this attitude is called Militant Agnosticism. I don't really care much for the term though - it has an air of "I'm going to force you to believe as I do". That's not my intention at all. I'm willing to allow people to believe in whatever the hell they want. What I will argue with, however, are statements like "I KNOW this, that, or the other." That's such a foolish mindset. Nobody KNOWS anything about god, one way or the other.

So having said all that, I suppose I'm still a Militant Agnostic, but I'm bordering ever so precariously on the edge of full fledged atheism.

I agree with much of what Richard Dawkins, the author of The God Delusion, says on the matter. One great quote of his is (and I'm paraphrasing here): "we're all atheists when it comes to the gods of ancient religions. We just go one god further."

I'm still reluctant to come right out and deny the possible existence of some omnipotent creator, but until presented with absolute proof, I must seriously doubt that such a being is real.

I'm still trying to sift through my thoughts and feelings and overall beliefs with regards to god and religion, and for the sake of my own sanity, I need to find a way to boil it all down to the simplest terms possible.

Bear with me here.

Either god exists or he doesn't. I've seen virtually NO evidence to properly validate the existence of god. God then, most likely does not exist.

If there is a god, which god is it? Whose god? Just one or many? This idea opens up a can of worms and raises exponentially more questions than answers.

As a follow-up, if god exists, which church is His church? Again, there are no real answers, only subjective opinions.

Just on this reasoning alone, the likelihood that the mormon church is "the only true church on the face of the earth" is pretty low.

(I'd like to close with a disclaimer here - this blog is intended to assist me in my transition out of mormonism. I'm not trying to start any fights with TBMs of any faith. As I've said, you're free to believe whatever you want. If anyone even reads this blog and disagrees with me, that's your right and you're entitled to it. Any comments attempting to "set me straight" will most likely be ignored or deleted. I don't have the time or energy to fight with anyone.)

The Terrible Truth About Tithing

2007-11-23T22:39:00.002-07:00

I used to work at a pretty cool laboratory.

It was a fairly small company that did extremely well in it's market and was a serious competitor to other, larger companies. One such competitor eventually bought out the small lab and welcomed [most of] us, the employees, into their corporate family and we retained our jobs. Not too long after that, an even larger competitor bought out the second company and decided it had too many laboratories in operation around the country and needed to shut some down.

My branch was one that was closed, thus leaving me and about 100 other people suddenly unemployed.

As referenced in my previous post: shit happens, eh?

Getting laid off is pretty big news and family members are undoubtedly going to catch wind of it. When I broke the news to my TBM father, one of the very first questions he asked me was "are you paying your tithing?"

At the time, I don't think I'd paid said tithing for several months. I'd already begun having doubts about the church and had just started my research. For me, one of the first stepping stones on the road to apostacy was to stop paying tithing. Things had always been tight anyway, and it didn't make sense to me that a loving god would demand my 10% when I really needed it to help provide necessities for my family.

I don't remember now if I gave my father a straight answer or not. I probably did my best to dodge the question. I wasn't ready then to come out of the doubter's closet and face the judgements of my TBM family members.

Looking back now though, I have to wonder what the hell is the actual point of tithing anyway? Mormons are promised (PROMISED!) by their leaders that if they are faithful in obeying the LAW of tithing, then "the windows of heaven will pour out blessings upon them".

Had I been forthcoming with dear old dad and admitted to ignoring the church-mandated "law", it would have been so easy for him to think that perhaps I was responsible for my own unemployment.

Nevermind the fact that a large number of employees affected by the lay off were temple-recommend holding, garment wearing, tithing paying LDS folks. They were doing everything they thought they needed to do to earn god's great and wonderful blessings, so why were they being punished in the same fashion as I?

I'm only speculating here, of course. I don't know for certain that my father would think such a thing, but it's not beyond the realm of possibility.

Now, fast forward a year and a half or so. I'm back to work for a new company (I was only unemployed for two weeks). My father tells me that the company he drives truck for is being forced to cut on of his runs. This directly affects his monthy income, cutting it almost in half.

As far as I know, my dad is still Mr. Gung-Ho Mormon Man. He's always talking about his trips to the temple, so I can only assume he's been a faithful tithe payer in order to qualify for the highly prestigous Temple recommend.

So where are his blessings? Where's his financial security? It should be very well safeguarded by the Lord who has promised to provide both spiritual and temporal blessings to those who abide by the law of tithing.

Let's cut through the many (oh, so many) layers of bullshit heaped upon us by the "inspired" LDS leadership and come to a much more likely conclusion: paying tithing to the Corporation of the President of TCOJCOLDS does absolutely nothing to ensure any kind of financial security or guarantee any kind of "blessings". Of course, some will argue that point, saying that something good happened because they paid tithing. There's simply no way to prove that such is the case.

If bad things can happen for no quantifiable reason, than so can good things.

"There But For The Grace Of God..."

2007-11-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

I used to like the phrase "there but for the grace of God go you or I."

I don't know where it's originally from, but I always thought it had kind of a poetic quality to it and back when I had the mindset of an arrogant True Believing Mormon, I foolishly assumed that the phrase had a practical application in my life. If not for the "one true gospel" of the LDS church, after all, I could be just like that homeless guy in Pioneer Park, or I could be a drug addict or a criminal, or worse.

"There but for the grace of god..."

It served as some sort of validation for me that I was doing everything God wanted me to do. I was a member of His church, holding His priesthood authority (although it never seemed to have any actual power to do anything) and for awhile there, I was a card-carrying member with access to the International House of Handshakes (aka, the temple). Obviously, I was one of those valiant spirits in the pre-existence who had accepted Jesus' plan of salvation and was born into and raised as a member of the only church with the true and restored gospel.

"There but for the grace of god..."

I'm not sure when, but it was probably during my year of church history research, analytical process and personal reflection that I realized the true implication of the poetic phrase.

If "there but for the grace of god..." was true, then that meant that God plays favorites.

It suddenly didn't seem very fair that some people would be given preferential treatment over others. How arrogant it was for me to assume that god liked me better than some poor kid in Africa somewhere who lives in a mud hut and goes to bed hungry every night.

I don't like that god. He apparantly holds grudges and doesn't follow his own rules of kindness, compassion and forgiveness. More than likely, such a being that hands out blessings and cursing willy-nilly doesn't even exist.

The simpler - and more logical - explanation is that shit happens.

Bad things happen to good and bad people.

Good things happen to those exact same people.

And pure chance is the cause of it all...not the grace - or lack thereof - of some higher power.

Maybe I'll change the phrase to "there but for pure-dumb luck go your or I."

A New Perspective

2007-11-03T10:21:00.001-07:00

When I was a TBM, I never worried too much about death.

Why should I? I mean, I was a member of the one true church on earth and as long as I played my cards right and did everything that was asked of me, I was destined for glory in the afterlife. Life itself wasn't very valuable to me because there was always the promise of an eternal life after this one.

I used to tell my friends that when I die, I wanted a party instead of a funeral. Funerals are solemn, depressing things and a party would be much more fitting for someone who was now in "a better place".

But now, I've adjusted my thinking on this.

Since I no believe in those kinds of promises and have accepted the very real possibility that there is no glorious afterlife awaiting me, I've come to put much more value on human life. The worth of every moment of life has increased exponentially. Each moment I have with my family and children has become so much more precious.

Since I have no proof that I (or anyone else) will live forever, I must believe that my life is finite and will someday end (a sober revelation indeed!) so I must make the most of whatever amount of time I have left.

Life is just too short to be miserable or to do things you just don't want to do. Like sitting in church for 3 or 4 or even 5 hours on a Sunday. Or "home teaching" a neighbor when you'd rather be watching NBC on Thursday nights (I'm addicted to The Office!) or working in a "calling" that you really have no interest in fulfulling.

I realize that there are plenty of LDS folk who geniunely like doing everything TSCC asks of them. But there are plenty of others who are railroaded into church service and activites because to say no to the prophet, sp, or bishop is the equivalent of saying no to God or Jesus himself (at least, that's what I was told as a church member.) But not me. I came to resent every calling, every assignment - anything that took me away from my family - even for a moment.

It feels so good to be out of that overbearing and demanding organization. Freedom never tasted so good.

Denying the Priesthood

2007-11-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

I just have to say that I'm extremely proud of my 6 year old daughter.

Before our weekly get-together at the in-laws house last Sunday, I pulled my oldest two children aside and explained to them that during the blessing on the food, they didn't have to fold their arms, close their eyes, or bow their head, but that they did have to be quiet.

After everyone sat at the table, my father-in-law called on my daughter to offer the blessing. She gave a nervous smile and looked at me, then at her mother, then back to me. I could tell she wasn't comfortable giving the blessing. Since we've abandoned the practice at my house, the only time my kids see anyone praying is at these weekly gatherings.

I said to her, "you don't have to if you don't want to honey. It's okay."

She seemed very relieved to hear this. FIL then called on another grandchild to give the blessing.

I know it seems like such a small, trivial thing, but it seemed like a major victory for me. I know how intimidating it can be to be surrounded by a TBM family who expects everyone to conform to their beliefs and expectations. My daughter is aware of my separation from those kinds of beliefs and undoubtedly needs an ally for situations such as these.

Fortunately, the in-laws haven't been too fanatical in pushing the church on my children.

Agnostics R Us

2007-09-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, unless you've been living under a rock for the past few years or so, you've heard all the buzz surrounding Dan Brown's DaVinci Code - both the book and the movie.

I remember watching news footage of enraged Christians (Catholics?) who were so offended at the idea that Jesus had married and fathered children that they initiated a book burning of Brown's novel. I mean, WTF?

While it can be argued that a married Jesus has never been "official" church doctrine (it's getting harder and hard to pin down exactly what is and what is not church doctrine anyway), some Mormons are perfectly willing to accept the possibility that Jesus had a wife and kids, and some LDS leaders have even taught the principle from the pulpit (Apostle Orson Hyde being one of them.)

My father is one of those people who's happy to entertain the idea.

Recently, while visiting my half-brother and his family just outside of Sin City, Nevada, my father (yes, we're on speaking terms again) looked at a small, framed print of the famous last supper painting (you know, the one by DaVinci!) and he said "we look at that painting differently now, don't we?"

I knew he was referring to the speculation that the figure to the right of Jesus was Mary, his wife.

In response, I said "I look at all of that stuff differently now."

He didn't press the issue and let the matter drop - which is huge, because my dad is the type of person who never stops talking, dominates every conversation, and usually has to have the last word.

I considered it a minor victory.

I continue to try to learn about all things religious though. I watch some Christian programs on TBN...I read numerous blogs written by people of different faiths...I even read the Ensign when it arrives monthly to our doorstep. But I no longer just accept everything that's being fed to me. I QUESTION EVERYTHING.

I recently watched the documentary The God Who Wasn't There which was produced by one of those guys responsible for the Blasphemy Challenge and a member of the atheist group, the Rational Response Squad.

Some people are bold enough to outright deny the existence of God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.

I won't do that. After all, you can't prove a negative.

Since abandoning the LDS belief-system, I've considered myself to be an agnostic, but now I'm willing to theorize (if that's the right word to use) that EVERYONE is agnostic.

In simplest terms, the word agnostic means "without knowledge". I declare that NO ONE has a perfect knowledge of who or what God is (or isn't). People can believe whatever the hell they want to believe, but to present something unprovable as absolute fact is arrogant and downright irresponsible.

You can tell me you BELIEVE in God and Jesus and all that jazz, but don't tell me you KNOW it be true. You don't. You can't. If God was real, it could be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. That has yet to be done.

But on the other hand, you can't state with absolute certainty that God DOESN'T exist either.

This battle has raged for centuries. It's a no-win situation. What saddens me is that we, as a human race, are willing to KILL ourselves over a difference in religious beliefs. We need to wake up, open our damn eyes, and stop trying to prove who's God is bigger, better and more real.

If God was real...we would all know it.

Wouldn't we?

I'm willing to hear any and all opinions. I'm not claiming to have ultimate knowledge here and I'm really hoping that no one else does.

We're all born agnostics and I think we all still are.

Adverse Advertising

2007-08-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

While driving north on I-15 yesterday, I saw a billboard advertising an upcoming Mormon propaganda film entitled "Return With Honor".

I immediately remembered the story a read a few weeks ago about the PostMormon.org billboard that had been taken down up in Idaho because the property owner on which the billboard was located (a Mormon, of course) was offended at the thought of sponsoring (even indirectly so) an ex-Mormon website.

And yet it's okay to flaunt pro-Mormon rubbish all over the place.

I can't even walk into Wal-Mart without running into the LDS book display at the front of the store or the LDS music/movie display at the back of the store.

As a Mormon, all this stuff had been invisible to me, but now that I'm looking at things around me with a completely different world-view - I'm borderline nauseous with the innundation of Mormon materials. It's inescapable.

Maybe that's why I'm compelled to push back just a little bit.

I'm unaware of the current status of the "More Good Foundation" and I'm curious to know how well their defensive positions are holding up against the barrage of all the websites and blogs devoted to exposing the truth about Mormonism. The internet has proven to be a powerful medium indeed, and while TSCC may scurry back into the darkness with its lies and deceit, they cannot extinguish the ever-growing number of torches being lit by the angry villagers of FormerMormonVille (ironically, the More Good Foundation utilizes a torch as part of its logo). Some of us are wielding pitchforks too.

How long until the castle walls come crumbling down and the monster is finally revealed? Time will tell.

Which pro-Mormon advocate was it that made the comment "let [anti-mormons] have their own little corner of cyberspace"? I've done a search, and the closest I could come to was an article by William J. Hamblin on the FAIR website.

Whoever it was has delusions of granduer, I'm sure. Those proponents of the More Good Foundation (and Mormonism in general) are fooling themselves if they think their efforts can effectively silence those of us who speak out against the absurd claims of Joseph Smith and his pet pit-bull Brigham Young.

We're here, we're persistent, and we're doing much more than simply "kicking against the pricks."

What's truly sad is that religious fanatics (not just Mormons, but those of other religious faiths as well) actually BELIEVE that we agnostics, athiests, apostates, non-members, anti-mormons, or what-have-you, are the tools of a mythical creature called SATAN! And that there's this invisible cosmic battle between God, Jesus, angels and Lucifer and his unholy hordes. It's preposturous!

When are we, as the human race, going to wake up, abandon the silly myths of religions and strive to make the world a better place? IMO, religions do just as much harm to humanity than good and it's high time we took responsibility for ourselves, instead of leaving our fates to an invisible God and blaming an invisible Satan for all the bad stuff in the world?

I'd like to see that question up on a billboard one day.

Well Intentioned Disrespect

2007-08-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

My sister, who is still a "member" of the LDS church but not active (or a believer in anything spiritual for that matter,) called me last night to ask if my wife and I were planning on having our new baby blessed in the church. She's well aware of my complete apostasy from the faith of our youth and has been very supportive of my decision.

When I told her no, she then asked me if I had been approached about it by anyone in our family or by my TBM in-laws. Since most of these people know about my departure from the church, no one has bothered to bring up the subject. I keep expecting my wife to do so, but she hasn't either. She's still a garment-wearing member, although due to my influence, she hasn't been to church in several months. If she was to insist on having the baby blessed, I would probably give my consent, but only in the interest of keeping the peace between us.

Then my sister, who had her first child just a few months ago, proceeded to tell me that her father-in-law (another TBM), went ahead and submitted her baby's name to the church records division despite the fact that my sister and her husband had both told him that they had no intention of having their baby blessed in the church.

Now, I'm sure that my sister's FIN was just doing what he thought was best, but he clearly overstepped his bounds.

I asked my sister if she was planning on confronting him about his decision to go over their heads and make the kid a member anyway, and she said that in order to keep the peace, she would just let the matter drop. I told her that it was her decision to make, but that it's important to establish firm boundaries with LDS friends and family members.

As the title of this post indicates, the well intentions of TBM friends and family can often be very disrespectful to those of us who want nothing to do with the church. It's so unfortunate that we ex-mos (or in my sister's case, non-believing-mos) are in the minority here in Utah and have to tip-toe around sensitive religious beliefs for the sake of maintaining civil relations with those around us. Why is it that TBMs can expect to freely discuss church topics or have their little prayers in public places, but are quick to sneer or scoff at people who voice an opposing opinion? It hardly seems fair.

I really have nothing against the general membership of the LDS church - most Mormons are kind, honest, sincere folks who are just trying to do what they think is right. I used to be one of them. I was under the false (and arrogant) impression that only Mormons had the truth about God and how to get to heaven. I've since relized the error of this mind-set and have completely abandoned it. But most Mormons don't know what we ex-mos know. They haven't bothered to question the validity of their religious beliefs, or the history of their own church or its leaders. I dare to estimate that 95% (or more) of the general membership of the LDS church are simply unaware of all its many problems.

And although it's perfectly acceptable for Mormons to freely discuss their beliefs to others, they aren't usually very receptive to people discussing something that opposes their views. I'm reminded of the YouTube video by John Safran, an athiest, who makes an attempt to go door to door in Salt Lake City, just as the Mormon missionaries do, in an effort to spread his message of athiesm. The responses from TBM's in this video are classic! You'd think Safran was talking to them about Nazism or the KKK from the way they're treated. It's a classic double standard.

Anyway, I told my sister that I would be happy to help her have her baby's name removed from the records of the church if she so desired.

(Oh, and for the record, neither my sister or I intend on completely keeping our children out of the Mormon church, we are both planning on letting them make that decision for themselves when they are old enough to do so - we just refuse to allow them to be indoctrinated at such a young age by sending them to Primary or other church-sponsored functions.)

But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if we take the steps to have our names removed from the membership records of the church or not. Once we die, our well-intentioned TBM relatives will take it upon themselves to have us put back on and go through the silly motions of having our temple work done.

Silly Mormons.

Even More Primary Persuasion

2007-07-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, one of the ladies in our local ward dropped by the house (unannounced, as usual) to drop off a customized music CD for the kids. In preparation for an upcoming Primary presentation, the Primary Presidency made these CDs to help familiarize the kids with the songs that will be sung in sacrament meeting.

My stomach churned when I read the playlist.

Of course, track #1 is titled "The Prophet Joseph Smith." (Let the mind-warping lies begin!) Duh! Joseph Smith wasn't a prophet.

Track #2 didn't seem too bad at first glance, "This is My Beloved Son." Hey, at least it's about Jesus, right? Then I noticed that the second verse begins: "Nephites gazing into heaven." There it was...another LDS lie. Damn Nephites are fictional characters. The third verse continued the perpetuated lie about Mr. Smith: "Joseph saw two glorious beings." No he didn't! He couldn't even keep his stories straight about his "experience."

Track #3 is just as bad. "An Angel Came to Joseph Smith." Hell, they really want to convince these poor children that Joseph is worthy of worship, don't they?

Track #4 is "I Know My Redeemer Lives." There's that infamous "know" being thrown about like it means something. They "know" no such thing...especially these poor kids that are being lied to and taught by their parents at such a young age to "bear their testimonies"...like they really have any understanding whatsoever of religious matters.

Track #5: "I Want to Live the Gospel". Here are a couple of the lyrical highlights: "to follow the plan of my savior and live as he wants me to do" (or as the church leadership dictates), and "Because I have learned to obey" (in other words, BLIND OBEDIENCE).

Track #6: "I'll Follow Him in Faith." God, need I say more?

Track #7: "I'm Trying to Be like Jesus." I'm going to teach my children to be like Superman - he was all about helping people too.

Track #8: "Listen, Listen" (to the still small voice) You know, that inner voice we all have inside us that tells us to do things? Haven't there been seriel killers that were killing people because the still small voice was telling them to?

Track #9: "Love is Spoken Here." Love is okay, but Truth isn't. (Ever try to convince a TBM that the "church" wasn't true? Them's fighting words in a Mormon household!) Oh, and this track has the line: "mine is a home where ev'ry hour is blessed by the strength of priesthood pow'r." Sheeya! Whatever! Invisible blessings and invisible "power". Nope, not buying it!

I will admit...the music is pretty and nice to listen to, but it's tainted by all the absurdities. Thankfully, my (still TBM, thought not currently active) wife hasn't tried to make the kids listen to it. I don't know if she thinks I'll protest against it or what, but she tucked it away on our computer desk and it's sat there ever since. I'm tempted to just toss the disk in the trash (I'll keep the case - I'll make good use of that) but haven't bothered yet. I almost like keeping all this ridiculous stuff around to remind me of all the lies and hypocricy the LDS church is capable of spewing forth on otherwise unsuspecting people.

I'm going to listen to some Blue Oyster Cult now. I love that "Don't Fear the Reaper" song.

It's Official!

2007-07-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

My departure from the LDS church is now complete. It's taken 6 MONTHS to process, but it's finally done.

On Friday, June 29th, I returned home from work and right there waiting for me was an envelope from the Member and Statistical Records Division of the CoJCoLDS. Inside was a letter dated June 27th that simply stated that, per my request, I was no longer a member.

It was a bittersweet victory. Frankly, I expected something more. I'd heard from others who have left that they received a little card with a picture of the First Presidency pleading with them to return to the fold. I was almost hoping to get one of those...not that it would have done any good of course...at least not in convincing me to go back. Leaving the church was the only sane, rational, and logical decision I could have made. Going back now would be virtually impossible, since I cannot unlearn what I have learned about it's history.

I've been wanting to establish a date of my departure so I could make an annual celebration of it, but I wasn't ever sure of what that date would be. The date I sent in my letter? The date the Bishop acknowledged it? The date my request is processed, or when I received the letter of confirmation?

I think I'll go with June 27th. From now on, I'll celebrate that as my "Religious Independance Day". I am now free from any and all organizations, groups, or figurative shackles that keep me, my mind, or my soul in bondage under a wacky set of religious beliefs.

Religions, especially the extremely controlling and legalistic ones, such as the LDS church are more dangerous to the human spirit than they appear.

In closing, I'd like to bear my testimony (I know, this is a bit of a tongue-in-cheek comment). The LDS aka Mormon church is NOT true. Joseph Smith was a liar and a con-man and was NOT a prophet of God. Brigham Young was a terrible tyrant, NOT a prophet. None of the other so-called "prophets" up to Gordon "I don't know that we teach that" Hinckley have any kind of special connection to God (if he even exists.)
They only perpetuate the lies that old Joe Smith started, and when those lies are revealed, they back-peddle and spin it whichever way they can in an attempt to save face and credibility. The LDS "priesthood authority" is pathetic and worthless. It does nothing. The temple garments are worthless; they do not actually protect people from physical harm (I can't believe I ever bought into that nonsense) and the temple ceremony itself is NOT divinely inspired - wake up folks, it's based on Masonic rituals, nothing more. The Mormon God is pretty absent-minded if he requires secret "tokens and signs" (i.e. handshakes) to know who's worthy of his "heaven" and who isn't. Paying your tithing will not bless your lives any more so than not paying it. It only takes food, clothing, and other necessities from your family - people who need it. God and Jesus and the Corporation of the President DO NOT NEED YOUR MONEY. Keep it. Go do something useful or fun with it.

I say these things in the name of religous freedom, amen.

Mormonism And The Kicking Of Trees

2007-06-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

There's a Wendy's advertisement that's been playing on television lately that shows a group of people out in the woods, kicking trees for no apparent reason. After a moment, one guy suddenly stops and realizes what a stupid thing he's doing and exclaims something like "I deserve a hot and juicy burger!" He then manages to convince those around him to stop kicking trees and join him on his quest for a decent meal.

I was immediately reminded of Mormonism and how being a member of the LDS church was an awful lot like kicking trees.

While an active, believing Mormon, I did a lot of kicking against trees...Home Teaching, paying tithing, attending the 3 hour block of meetings every Sunday, reading scriptures, praying, going to the temple, having Family Home Evenings, etc. At the time, they made sense. Well, at least I had been convinced (or rather, allowed myself to be convinced) that there was some actual purpose for all of this nonsense.

I consider myself one of the rare lucky ones that was able to pause, take inventory of my surrounding and what I was doing and realize how much time (and money!) I was wasting just kicking at a damn tree.

Like the man in the commercial, I stepped away from the tree and shouted "I deserve to be free of this man-made religion and live life to its fullest! No longer will submit myself to all these petty little rules and regulations. I deserve to be happy!"

(And yes, sometimes that happiness can be found in a hot and juicy burger.)

A Testimony of Mormon Tithing

2007-05-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in a previous post, here's the story of the woman who, when facing financial hardship, was turned away by her Bishop, even after faithfully paying her tithing for many years. This article is from the "Reflections On Leaving Mormonism" blog which can be found at exmormon.blogspot.com

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Tithing and Superstition

The issue of tithing was another sore point between my Mormon father and my non-Mormon mother. The Mormon church teaches that if you pay 10% of your gross income (which works out to about 15% of most peoples' net income) that you will be financially taken care of so that you never want for anything you need. Over and over again faith promoting rumors supporting this notion are repeated as fact in church talks and lessons. Many religions believe in tithing to a degree, and the Bible does make scant mention of it. Mormons, however, are probably singular in their enforcement of the principle of tithing. It's central to the Mormon church's tenets, even though it was not central to the teachings of Jesus Christ. They enforce the payment of tithing by blocking non-payers from attending the temple which prevents such from getting to the Celestial Kingdom which prevents their family from being eternal which prevents them from becoming gods. In short, tithing payment is unavoidable for the serious Mormon.

In spite of the fact that Utah consistently boasts some of the highest bankruptcy rates in the US, Mormons still believe that paying tithing will lead them to blessings both financial and personal. My dad's certainty of this was such that his fear of not paying was fanatical. My mom, however, was the one who paid the bills and controlled the money because my dad was so flighty. Bad things happened to my parents all the time, yet only when those bad things coincided with my mom not giving him enough tithing money did my dad equate the bad things with not paying tithing. In truth he almost always paid the full 10%, so there was no convenient explanation for the bad luck they had most of the time. In retrospect I'm surprised that my mom allowed my dad to spend all that money on his religion. I doubt that she spent another 15% of the net family income on herself. In fact, I know she didn't. Not only did my mom do without things like new shoes, a warm coat and unbroken glasses for long periods of time, us kids had nothing. We didn't even know what new clothes would be like until we became adults. There were times when we were so broke, we couldn't even eat. I recall on one occasion opening the refrigerator and finding only ketchup, a few slices of bread and a plastic pitcher of water. To this day I hate to drink water. I learned not to eat much. My sister learned to overeat every chance she got. Most importantly I learned that paying tithing did not mean your needs would be met. Ours rarely were when I was growing up. Yet my dad's fanatical belief in the importance of tithing infected me.

As an adult member, I paid my tithing fully and faithfully. At some point in time I went through a series of setbacks, including a severe medical disability that kept me out of work for most of a year and two natural disasters that destroyed my home. My meager savings was quickly depleted, and so I turned to the Mormon church for some assistance. I had always been taught that the Mormon church had an excellent welfare program, one that they boasted had been held up as a model of what the US system should be like. Indeed. My bishop responded to my request by asking for my most current tithing check, which amounted to my very last couple of hundred dollars. It pained me to write that check, not knowing how I was going to feed my two little girls, but I handed it to him in faith. The bishop said he'd think about the needs of our family and call us back with a plan. The day after the check cleared the bank, the bishop called and said he'd decided not to help us at all. Having surrendered my very last dime and being taken quite aback by this response I was devastated and desperate. Food was already almost all gone, and I had no money for the electric bill. The bishop made the statement that he felt we had somehow mismanaged our meager income. In fact, we had not. Our destroyed home had been a cheap modular. We drove two 10-year-old cars and had never owned a new one. We never went out for food or entertainment. At the time I owned only two pairs of pants, which wore on alternating days to work. Neither of us was contributing anything to our 401Ks because we couldn't afford it. After reviewing my expenditures carefully, it stood out that my only extravagant expenditure at all had been the tithing I had paid. In the ten years I had been married, it had totalled over $40,000. I thought of all the smart things I could have done with that amount of money - saved it, started a 401K, bought a sturdier house, etc. $40,000 would've come in handy in a crisis like the one we were facing. In short, I realized that I had indeed mismanaged my money by giving it to a church instead of taking care of the needs of my family. I realized that I had been no better than my father in that regard.

That week I went to the local United Way office to plead my case. They didn't ask me for money. They didn't judge me or accuse me. They didn't care that I had not been involved with their causes before. Instead, they filled the trunk of my car full of groceries, enough to last for weeks. They helped me get on my feet. I still get teary-eyed when I think of how, ironically, this secular institution was more Christ-like in the way they treated me, a stranger, than the church that I gave all my spare time, money and allegiance to.
posted by FreedWoman at 5:16 PM

A Typical Mormon Family Portrait

2007-05-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

Waiting For William

2007-05-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

One of the few websites I read religiously (pardon the pun) is The Mormon Curtain which is run by fellow exmo Infymus. I check the site every morning, anxious to read articles composed by people on the same journey as I...that is, a journey out of the LDS church and into a normal, healthy lifestyle.

A recent article really touched my heart and I hope the original author of it (as well as the administrators of The Mormon Curtain) won't mind if I republish it here in my meager little excuse for a blog.

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Waiting For William

DATE POSTED: May 2, 2007, at 07:01 AM
TOPIC: EX-MORMONISM SECTION 8 -LINK ARTICLE-
ORIGINAL AUTHOR: KimberlyAnn

I knew I shouldn’t have watched tonight’s PBS special on the Mormons. It made me intensely sad and I’m having trouble controlling the tears. The story about the Mormon woman who died giving birth to her eighth baby really struck a chord with me. I, too, exhausted myself to create a body for a spirit waiting in heaven. He was a little boy and his name was William.

Married and away from home at the age of eighteen, I found myself pregnant immediately. It wasn’t planned and I was shocked, but ready to take on the responsibility of motherhood. When I saw him on the ultrasound for the first time, I was overcome with emotion. There was my baby. It wasn’t clear if my baby was a boy or a girl, but I didn’t need a picture to let me know. I knew my baby was a boy and that his name was William.

At my five month check-up, there was no heartbeat. An ultrasound was ordered and it was clear that my baby was dead. I was utterly alone. My family was over two thousand miles away and my husband was in the military on a mission and wouldn’t be home for many weeks. I was told by the Navy doctor that I would have a miscarriage soon enough on my own and to go home and wait for it. So I did. I waited and waited. A month passed. No miscarriage. I was in a deep depression away from home and carting around a dead baby. I felt constantly ill. One night I awoke with a fever of one-hundred and six degrees. I knew no one to call and felt too sick to drive, so, shivering and wrapped in blankets, I knocked on my neighbor’s door and told her I thought I was dying.

She kindly drove me to Balboa Naval Hospital in San Diego. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that. I know I had a terrible infection and I know they took out my baby. And I was young and stupid and thought for some reason I’d be able to see him afterward. So, after the surgery, I asked the nurse if the baby was a boy. She told me that it was, but that was no surprise to me. I asked if I could see him. She replied, “No, honey! That baby was in no shape to be viewed.” So I asked what they’d done with him and she said, “Well, we disposed of him.”. They disposed of William. They threw away my baby. I was inconsolable but it didn’t matter; there was no one to console me anyway.

After a few days in the hospital I went to my empty apartment and called my Bishop. He gave me a blessing and in it he told me my baby boy needed a perfect body and that Heavenly Father would send him to me again in due time. The comfort I received from that blessing carried me through the next four years until I would have my first successful pregnancy. I had Courtney and was thrilled. But I knew I needed to make a body for William. He’d waited so long for me to finish college. So I got pregnant right away and had a miscarriage. Then I had Madeline. Then a series of many, many miscarriages over the next four years. No pregnancy would stick. There was too much scar tissue from the earlier infection and operation so doctors scraped it out and still I didn’t get pregnant. Finally, after nearly giving up, I had a successful pregnancy and had Chloe. The doctor warned me not to have another baby. She said it was a very bad idea. But William was still waiting.

So against all medical advice, I got pregnant. I knew this was the one. It had to be. Immediately a tumor began forming in my uterus right along with my baby. It had to be removed while I was still pregnant. Unfortunately, I had what I can only describe as some sort of multi-organ breakdown at the same time. My gallbladder became infected and I got terribly sick. It had to be removed. In that operation, an artery was accidentally severed and I lost some blood. They said they gave me seven units, but I really don’t know if that’s a tremendous amount or not, but I do know I was so sick I barely remember the week I spent in the hospital with blood pressure that just would not rise. I recovered just enough after two weeks for them to remove the tumor from my uterus, operating right next to my growing baby.

When I found out I was carrying a girl, I was happy, but pained at the same time. What about William? How would I ever make a body for my baby boy who’d been waiting so long and who had been promised to me in a blessing? My doctor told me my tumor-filled uterus would likely be removed after I delivered the baby. So, I prayed and fasted and cried and prayed some more. After a few months I gave birth to my beautiful little Annie and immediately afterward, just as predicted, my uterus was removed. And my hopes for William went in the garbage right along with it.

For months I grieved my baby boy and finally came to the realization that Heavenly Father would give him to another family. What had I done wrong that my blessing did not come to pass? I always tried to be the best Mormon I could be but that wasn’t enough.

It was almost exactly a year later when I told my husband the church was a fraud. The people in the ward thought I’d lost my mind and had a hormonal imbalance. My husband thought I had postpartum depression. But it was none of those things. I just knew deep down in my heart that Joseph Smith lied and I couldn’t live a lie anymore.

Of course, now I know William was never waiting for another body at all and my Bishop had no authority to tell me he was. William was just a little dead baby in the trash. But sometimes, like tonight after watching “The Mormons” on PBS, I really miss him.
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During all my years as a TBM, I was innundated with ridiculous FPR's on a variety of subjects (usually on obedience to "laws" such as that of tithing). I can't even honestly say I was ever exposed to the opposite viewpoint. I always accepted FPR's as fact and never considered the possibility that for every "faith based miracle" story was an equal and opposite tale of sadness, misery and woe.

I have another story of a former mormon woman who was dirt poor and kept getting promised by her Bishop that she would be blessed for paying her tithing and shortly after she handed over her last few dollars to "settle her tithing", she was forced to then ask the Bishop for help in supplying groceries for herself and child. The Bishop refused.

Most Bishops probably would have been happy to offer this woman, who had so faithfully done what was asked of her, some relief by way of welfare assistance, but that's not the point here. The point is, her Bishop turned her away, when she was in desperate need.

I fully intend on keeping a file of these kinds of stories - I think I'll call them RPF's (Reality Promoting Facts) - for the next time I'm stuck at some "Family Home Evening" with my TBM in-laws. That way, when a tear-invoking FPR on the blessings of tithing or patriachal blessings are shared, I can maybe maintain some balanced perspective with an opposing viewpoint.

Oh, and in closing, I would like to point out that I was only able to watch the second half of "The Mormons" on PBS, and I was fairly impressed with the presentation. Like KimberlyAnn, the author of the above article, I too was shocked and saddened for the man who lost his wife because of their DELUSION that they were somehow responsible for bringing another life into the world. Don't get me wrong, I think children are wonderful little bundles of joy, but I also think people should know when to stop having them. Isn't the world getting a little overpopulated as it is?

That was too high a price to pay for something rooted in LDS teachings.

Tal Bachman hit the nail on the head when, in his interview on the special, he said "Mormonism may be the greatest thing ever invented, but if it's invented, it's not worth dying for."

More Primary Persuasion

2007-04-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

On Monday of last week, a flyer appeared at our front door. It was an invitation to our ward's primary activity which took place yesterday. The flyer was addressed to my oldest child, but the primary leaders must have remembered later that we had another child old enough to be in the primary (but hasn't been going because I've made every effort to keep my family home instead of attending church) because another flyer addressed to him arrived on Tuesday.

Then a member of the primary presidency called on Wednesday and left a message reminding us of the event.

On Thursday, a different member (I don't know if she's part of the primary, or just a "concerned" parent of another primary-aged kid) called to ask if she could come pick up my two oldest children and give them a ride to the activity. (Thanks to the miracle of caller ID, I recognized the number, assumed it was church-related, and let the machine answer it.)

On Friday night, the "concerned parent" called again, leaving another message, asking to give the kids a ride to the activity.

On SATURDAY MORNING, shortly before the event took place, the same lady called AGAIN to ask if the kids were coming to the activity at the ward house.

GOOD GRIEF! These well-intentioned TBMs just don't give up, do they?

I suppose the matter would have dropped had I answered one of the calls and politely declined the offer, or flat out said that the kids would not be attending. I didn't think that a daily effort would be made to get my kids "activated" for a single primary activity for 6 straight days!

Anyway...its just one of those odd little post-mormon situations I find myself in from time to time.

Taking out the trash

2007-04-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Spring cleaning isn't usually a major activity in my household, but last week I decided to finally straighten our downstairs because it was starting to get too cluttered.

One project turned into two, and then a third, and before I knew it, I was reorganizing our bedroom in order to make room for some stuff. I didn't want to do it, but I knew it was time to clean under the bed. There was a lot of stuff under there that I hadn't seen for years. Literally.

In-line skates I've never used (complete with matching knee and elbow pads!)

Old luggage (my way cool Army garment bag!)

Old magazines that would never be read again.

And here they are! The bag full of temple garments that I stopped wearing two years ago!

No sense in hanging onto those ridiculous things, since I know I'll never make it back to the temple. No more cult rituals for me, thanks! I'm doing just fine out here in the real world with the sane folks.

I suppose that instead of simply tossing the garments into the trash, I could have done something more malicious with them, like burn them or donate them to some crazy evangelical Christian street preacher to stomp on and wave around come next General Converence. But what good would that do?

Nah, the trash can is right where they needed to go. And since I no longer beleive in all the hocus-pocus superstition concering their "sacredness", I didn't bother to carefully remove the little Masonic symbols and burn them in reverence. I say "pshaw" to all that nonsense.

Yep, it's nice to have a clean spot under the bed, an organized basement, and wearing boxers again!

Thus sayeth Al.

Thoughts on "anti-Mormons"

2007-04-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

The following is a comment I left on the One Living Truth message board under the "Response to new anti-Mormon DVD" thread.

I'm tired of the "anti-mormon" label as well. It's overused, and yes, the very term acts as an "off switch" to an otherwise candid and honest (and civil) discussion of the differences between Mormonism and other faiths.

Someone or something that questions, challenges, or disagrees with Mormonism is usually aimed at the doctrine and/or teachings of the church, NOT the people themselves (well, maybe with a few obvious exceptions, such as Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.)

The problem is that faithful TBMs are so CONVINCED that they have the absolute truth, there's just no changing their minds.

I can only speak from my personal experience as a member for 30 years, but it took me an entire year of inactivity to even accept the mere POSSIBILITY that it was all a farce and based only on lies and deception.

Then it took me another year of research and study before I concluded that the church simply wasn't what it claimed to be...what I'd been taught to believe it to be.

The undeniable fact is that Joseph Smith was a con man...pure and simple. Once an honest seeker of truth comes to that realization, it becomes so easy to recognize the rest of the fallacies of the church and its teachings.

When the tendrils of church doctrine have so completely invaded every aspect of one's life, it's so difficult to even imagine any alternatives. The LDS church is all about rules and control and work (oh, the never ending WORK for salvation and eventual "exaltation") and once you get on that little hamster wheel to heaven, it's almost impossible to get off.

Once a TBM has surrendered his or her rational thought processes and replaced them with church doctrine, a near-impenetrable mental barrier is erected between them and everyone else. Herein lies the "us versus them" mentality. Herein lies the origin of the "anti-Mormon" belief system.

I no longer subscribe to the idea of the LDS church as being "the one and only true church on the face of the planet", nor do I support any "prophet" or other church leader as being an inspired mouthpiece of God here on earth.

So what does this make me?

An "apostate?" Sure.

An "anti-Mormon?" In the eyes of TBM's, probably.

But if I'm an anti-Mormon, then True Believing Mormons like Ron and Bob are anti-everyone else.

TO MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES

2007-02-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this "poem" last night after tossing back a few shots, so it might not make much sense.)

Once, I thought I had it all figured out.
The universe around me made all the sense in the world and I was more than content to follow all the little harmless rules that were placed upon my young shoulders.

But the world isn't so harmless after all, now is it?

I've finally woken, emerged from my cocoon of ignorant bliss and saw the world for the first time and accepted the awful truth for what it was.

Nothing is simple.
Nothing is plain.
The only constants in life are confusion, frustration, and death.
Always death.

I used to be a believer, of course.
I once placed faith in the impossible, the improbable, the ridiculous, and the insane.
But now I have been made aware.
Of who I am.
And where I came from.
And where I'll ultimately end up.

You see, it isn't so much the destination that matters - not really - but rather it's the journey that affects the very essence of who you are (or at the very least, who you perceive yourself to be.)

If the ride is bumpy and endless and an obscene waste of time, then it really doesn't matter the destination in which we find ourselves.

To live in constant denial of oneself and one's potential is the greatest insult of them all.

Cowardice was never happiness.
Nor lonliness, nor fear of the unknown.
(And isn't the very definition of life THE ENIGMATIC UNKNOWN?)

And so I offer this treatise.
This prayer of life yet lived.

BE YE NOT AFRAID.

Of who you are,
And where you are meant to be.

Life has a funny way of working out in the end somehow.

The bad guys always lose.
And the good guy gets the girl.

This is life.
This is our ultimate destination.

AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE YOU.

Be proud of that, if you can.

Please Leave A Message After The Tone

2007-02-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

My dad finally called a few days ago. He left a message at about nine in the morning (probably figuring that I wouldn't be home at the time to answer it, but who knows?)

Nothing was said concerning our religious disagreement, and he just informed us that he had moved out of the house he'd shared with his current wife and back into the downstairs basement of some ward friends. I'm assuming then that this marriage has suffered the same fate as the six before it and that he'll be divorcing her soon (if he hasn't already.)

I think he has a divorce lawyer on retainer, he gets divorced so often (like Ross from FRIENDS!)

He did say that because of the address change, he hasn't been getting his mail in a timely manner, so I'm reading into that: "I just barely got your letter."

I haven't called him back. Maybe I'm just afraid of stirring things up again. We'd probably be fine if we could just avoid the topic of religion, but I'm not so sure that's possible for him.

Maybe he'll write me back...or call again some evening when I'm home.

Setting Boundaries

2007-02-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

While driving home from a shopping trip with family yesterday afternoon, my wife mentioned that she wanted to go to church with her mom this weekend and that she wanted to take the kids with her.

My thoughts immediately turned to the whole "mother-in-law coming over to the house to get the kids ready for church" scenario and I took a moment to compose my thoughts.

"Is your mom coming over in the morning?"

"I don't know."

Then, while trying to explain to my wife how much it bothered to me that her mother would do this, I got a little worked up. The more I talked about how much it upset me, the more mad I got about the whole thing and it would be safe to say that I over-reacted a little bit.

My wife attempted to assure me that her mother's offer to help with the kids had nothing to do with my "apostasy" from the church, to which I responded "that's bull."

I know my mother-in-law means well...I don't fault her for that. But I can't help be bothered at her invasive behavior.

Later, after we had arrived at home and I had taken some time to calm myself down (I can't help it, I have a passive-aggressive type of behavior), I explained to my wife that we needed to establish some boundaries with her family and their influence on our children.

The first of said boundaries needs to be set right at the front door. I have every right to be comfortable in my own house. I should be able to do whatever I want, say whatever I want, or believe whatever I want within the confines of my own home.
When her mother comes over, I no longer feel comfortable.

We started to talk about taking the kids to church. She wants them to go, and of course, I don't. I said we'd have to figure out some sort of compromise, but we weren't able to finish the discussion on the topic. I'm thinking maybe a 50/50 kind of a deal. They can go to church with her every other Sunday until they're old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go or not, and then we respect whatever decision they make.

Many LDS folks will try to make the point that there's nothing wrong with raising children in the church, and that they will in fact, benefit from attendance. Maybe in some areas, but certainly not all.

I hadn't heard about Kip Eliason until this morning, while reading one of my favorite blogs "Mormon Truth". I looked up the story about this poor kid who committed suicide back in 1984(?) because he couldn't shake a masturbation habit. I can relate to his plight.

When I was in High School, I came close to suicide myself (I damn near swallowed every pill I could find in my mom's medicine cabinet) for almost the exact same thing.

The LDS church demands perfection from its members. They demand sexual purity and clean thoughts. They interview teenaged boys and girls to determine their "worthiness" (THERE IS NO SUCH THING!) They ask personal, invasive questions about their sexual habits, to include masturbation and the viewing of pornography. Almost every Priesthood Session of General Conference makes mention (at some point) about the harmful, negative effects of pornography and masturbation and how critical it is to the salvation of the male members of the church to avoid them at all costs.

Their demands are ridiculous and unhealthy.

I WILL NOT allow my children to feel "unworthy" of God's love or Christ's Atonement (if such a things exists) because of such silly things. I refuse to allow the church to railroad them into thinking they have to conform to such expectations in order to be considered upstanding members of a "church".

I know that I DESPISED MYSELF for always failing to be as perfect as the church wanted me to be. I hated myself enough to think that I was better off dead than living a life unworthy of the so-called "priesthood."

Give me a break.

If my wife ever tries to play the "what harm will it do to raise our kids in the church?" card, I'm going to hand her a copy of the Kip Eliason story and make her read it.

A Letter To My Father

2007-02-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

It's been about a week or so since I was finally able to compose (and mail) a letter to my dad in an attempt to reconcile our religious differences. It was very difficult to think of what I thought might be the right things to say to make him understand why I decided to leave the church. For all I know, he threw the letter away without even reading it since I haven't heard anything from him.

I suppose the only "right" thing for me to say would be "I changed my mind, dad. I'm coming back to the church."

Sorry dad, that's never going to happen.

Well, I shouldn't say "never." If God or Jesus or one of their angels ever pays me a personal visit and tells me that the LDS church is true and that Joseph Smith was indeed a prophet, then I would ask to be re-baptized. I don't think that's ever going to happen, but I'll be sure to write a post about it if it ever does.

Maybe I just need to give my old man a little time to absorb the news and maybe someday he'll be able to accept it, even if he doesn't agree with it.

Like most Mormons, my dad's entire life seems to revolve around "the church". I can't have a discussion with him without church-related topics. Why is it that I have to be subjected to seemingly endless prattle about callings, missions, other members, etc. by Mormons, but the second I try to offer an opposing viewpoint, I'm labeled an "anti-Mormon", or "a tool of satan", and the conversation ends?

I blame it on cult mentality.

Now, I know that many people disagree with the label "cult" when talking about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but what better word is there? It certainly bears certain cult-like characteristics, so what are we to do? If it looks like a rose and smells like a rose, shouldn't it be called a rose?

Ha, that was a strange comparison to make. I don't think the LDS church smells anything like a rose!

In other news, there hasn't been any progress in the mother-in-law situation. She did not come over to the house this past Sunday morning - probably because she knew that my wife wasn't feeling well and wouldn't make it to church anyway. I haven't yet dared to take the stand and tell her that her efforts, while well-intentioned and appreciated, aren't at all necessary.

I guess I'm just trying to maintain the status quo and keep things civil. If I stir the waters too much, I may find myself suddenly unwelcome at family events.

Oh well, if it comes to that, so be it. It's the price I'm willing to pay.

Overstepping The Bounds

2007-01-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

Ah, you gotta love the in-laws!

I didn't really think that my mother-in-law would actually follow through with her offer to come over to our house early on a Sunday morning in order to help get our three children ready for the 9 a.m. block of church meetings.

I guess I thought perhaps my wife would have informed her that such action would be completely unnecessary.

Sunday morning. 8 a.m.

Ding-dong!

I was sleeping on the couch in the front room (the kids had all crawled into our bed over the course of the night, thus edging me out.)

I start to peek out the front window to see just who the hell had the nerve to come calling this early on a Sunday, and my wife comes down the hallway and says "it's probably my mom."

Oh, right. Because she feels like it's become her responsibility to get the kids up and dressed and ready for church now. Being the apostate that I am now, I'm no longer capable of assisting my wife with that chore.

Needless to say, I wasn't very happy with it.

Fortunately, my wife and two of the three kids were feeling under the weather, so church attendance that day wasn't even an option. I went back to bed for an hour, hoping my mother-in-law would just go away. I like her well enough - I really do - but she was overstepping her bounds here.

She didn't leave until 10:00.

I tried my best to just stay out her way because I knew it would be obvious that I wasn't happy with her visit.

Hell, I guess I'll have to make a stand here and inform her that her "labor of love" just isn't necessary.

What's the best way to say that?

Conversations With My Father

2007-01-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

As stated in my previous post, it seems as though my dad has disowned me because of my apostasy from the LDS church.

He called last Wednesday night to check up on me (he calls about once every other week just to see how things are going), and the conversation went something like this:

[I answer the phone] Hello?

Is this my son?

I sure hope so because I'm wearing his underwear (this is my attempt at humor...pathetic, I know.)

What do you mean "underwear"? Where are your [temple] garments?

I don't wear those anymore, dad.

Why not?

Well, I've resigned my membership from the church.

Really? So what are you going to be now? Catholic? Jewish?

I consider myself an agnostic right now.

Well, at least you're not an athiest. Of course, we can't spell either one, can we? (And that was his attempt at humor.)

(He wasn't really taking any of this very seriously and acted like it was all a joke.)

He changed the subject to the lives of my siblings (his other estranged children) briefly, but I steered the conversation back to the original topic).

Doesn't what I said shock or surprise you in any way dad?

Not really.

Why not?

You're old man is smarter than you give him credit for, son. (Um, after what he said later, I think I may have to argue this statement.)

So you've really quit?

Yep. I mailed off my resignation letter to the bishop and stake president last month and the bishop has written me a letter in response to it, so I know it's being processed.

So you haven't gotten the confirmation [that I'm no longer a member] letter yet?

Not yet, but I expect it sometime this month or next.

(This is when he suddenly got serious about the whole affair.)

What about your wife?

Well, she's choosing to retain her membership for the time being, but who knows?

Who's going to bless the baby? (My wife is expecting our fourth child in June.)

I don't really see the point of doing that.

And will the kids be baptized into the church?

Not if I have anything to say about it.

Why not?

Because I want their lives to be based on reality, dad, not superstitious myths and lies.

Lies? What lies?

Oh, I don't know...the church is full of them. Garments for one. They don't really protect you from harm you know. If that was true, we'd never hear about missionaries being killed or raped. It's just a myth.

(He starts to get aggravated here because he must think I'm "attacking" his faith.)

They do so protect you! I've put my fingers through the holes of a uniform worn by someone who was shot up with an AK-47 and didn't have a scratch on him because of his garments!

(Okay, I'll have to interject again here to explain something about my father. Yes, he was in the military for several years...I won't say which branch...but he's never been in combat and yet he tells everyone that he has. On many occasions I've seen him embellish facts and transform the truth when talking to people. He actually convinces himself to believe things that just aren't true, so while he might believe the story about bullet-proof garments, I can't help but feel that he's turning a faith-promoting-rumor into a personal experience that just isn't true.)

Well, maybe that was a miracle dad, but people from all different faiths have personal stories of miracles, so your argument doesn't prove the church is true.

(And here's where he starts to get mean.)

The Dark Side has control over you. You'll be at fault for leading your own children down to hell unless you baptize them.

(And...this is where I lost my patience with his "holier-than-thou-because-we-belong-to-the-only-true-church" attitude.)

Don't you dare tell me how to raise my children. You have no right to get all high-and-mighty with me when you were never there for me! (Okay, so that was a cheap shot, attacking his abilities as a father like that. It's mostly true, though. My parents divorced when I was young and I didn't see much of him, nor did he keep up with his Child Support payments, but I've given him the benefit of the doubt over the years and assumed that he did the best he could.)

(The conversation was over at this point...he wouldn't let me talk - and even if he had, I doubt he would listen to reason - and I was yelling at him.)

We have nothing more to say until you escape from Satan's influence. Good day sir! [He hangs up on me.]

So there you have it. Quite possibly the last conversation I'll ever have with my father. I guess I thought he might be okay with the whole thing because he still accepts my brothers and sister for who they are despite the fact that none of them have anything to do with the church. Maybe the difference is I'm the only one of his four kids who has actually taken that final, drastic step to actually resign. That probably struck a nerve.

The First Casualty

2007-01-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

While conducting my research into the foundational claims of the LDS church, I'd often take some time to read up on all the personal experiences that other people have had when leaving the mormon fold. I've read many of the stories that are posted on the RFM (Recovery From Mormonism) board and I try to keep up on a few blogs that are kept by former mormons (see those to which I've linked).

From what I read, I got the impression that resigning from the church would be a very difficult and stressful endeavor. Many people who leave are subsequently alienated by their TBM family members and friends. Marriages end (I read somewhere that 8 out of 10 marriages end in divorce when one spouse leaves the church while the other remains a member). People have even lost their jobs when they finally garnish the courage to stand up and point out all the many problems with the church (um, can you say "BYU faculty?")

So when I finally decided I was going to make an official exit from the church, I was expecting the worst.

While I didn't think my wife would actually leave me because of it, I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself for such a possibility. At the very least, I expected to be interrogated by my in-laws.

And I naturally assumed that my ward bishop and/or his counsellors would do everything in their power to convince me to keep the faith and retain my membership.

None of that happened. Almost everyone in my immediate circle of family and friends now know about my apostasy from "the one true church" and up until this past week, I hadn't been faced with any sort of alienation, persecution, or even questioning.
My wife is still struggling with my decision, but our marriage is in no immediate danger (knock on wood.) Even the in-laws are still treating me like an actual member of the family, instead of placing any amount of distance between us.

The bishop, while obviously in disagreement with my choice, is honoring my request for name removal from the records of the church and didn't bother to schedule any sort of "court" on my behalf. He's been pretty understanding about the whole thing.

Wow, I must be pretty lucky to not have to deal with all the hardship that others have gone through when they left the church.

And then my dad called me on Wednesday night. I'll save the bulk of the conversation for another post, but the short story is this:

He's disowned me as his son.

I consider this the first real relationship casualty since my departure from the LDS religion.

Inappropriate Proposal?

2007-01-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Since my exodus from the LDS church, one of my concerns has been breaking the news of my apostasy to family and friends. Informing my immediate family and circle of friends was simple enough, since many of them have distanced themselves from the church as well (but none of them have bothered to make an official resignation, as I have), but for my extended family, especially my in-laws, I didn't know how to best declare my change of beliefs.

I guess I won't have to worry about that anymore though, because yesterday my wife told me that everyone in her immediate family is now aware of the situation. Her brother, who at one time was the bishop of his ward, was apparently in the stake president's office when he received and read my letter of resignation. My wife also did me a favor by notifying her parents and sister...so my immediate family-in law now know where I stand. They might ask me about it at some point, but then again, they might not. My primary concern is that I'll be treated differently at family gatherings/functions, but so far, nothing out of the ordinary has occurred.

With the new year came a change of meeting schedule within the church. Our ward changed from the 1 to 4 block of meetings to the 9 to 12 block. I've always maintained that nine o'clock in the morning is way too early for church, especially for families with young children to wake up and get ready for the meetings.

Although I've been able to keep my wife and kids from attending church for the past few months, she told me on Saturday night that she wanted to go to her meetings. I assumed she'd leave the kids with me and just go alone, but that wasn't the case. While speaking to her mother on Saturday, she must have mentioned that it would be a struggle to get the kids up and dressed in time for the 9 o'clock meeting (they usually have the sacrament meeting first at our ward), so my mom-in-law graciously offered to come over and help get them ready for church.

My immediate thought was: WTF?!

I know she means well, but is she just assuming that since I'm no longer a TBM, I wouldn't help my wife with this endeavor?

Of course, I don't want my kids anywhere near a mormon church because I don't want them indoctrinated in that irrational belief system, and I have made my opinion on that painfully clear to my wife, but she maintains that they'll be better off with "the church" in their lives.

So I guess I'm the bad guy in this little play.

I know that my wife, and my mother-in-law, and the bishop, and whoever else is even remotely involved with our family is just doing what they think is best for us and our children, but you know what...SO AM I! As their father, I think I have more than just a passive opinion in what our kids are exposed to, and I intend to fully exercise my rights as their caregiver and protector.

As it turned out, nobody went to church yesterday anyway, since my oldest child came down with a fever and a rash, so I didn't have to set fire to any bridges over the situation. I can already smell a hint of smoke, so it's only a matter of time before the situation progresses to something more uncomfortable.

Even after some deliberation over the matter, my wife weren't able to come to any solid agreement as to what we'll do with the kids if we continue to maintain separate and opposing religious beliefs. The best scenario I could come up with is to wait until each child reaches the "age of accountability" (age 8 - which is too young to fully understand religious topics, IMO) and give them an honest-to-god choice of church membership. I told my wife I'd allow her (and/or anyone else she wanted) to make their pitch FOR the church, then I'd take my turn to pitch AGAINST the church, then allow them to make the decision for themselves. It's honest, it's balanced, it's fair.

Well intentions aside, I think my mother-in-law overstepped her bounds somewhat by offering to come over and help with the kids early on a Sunday morning. Thanks anyway "mom", but I think I can handle it.

The Bishop's Response

2007-01-09T06:41:00.000-07:00

Since I never called him back, our ward bishop mailed me a letter stating that he would honor my request for name removal from the records of the LDS church and that I would "not be required to attend a Church Council" (aww, how NICE of him to advise me that I wasn't required to do something I already know I don't HAVE to do.)

He then apologized for visiting which he thinks I found offensive. Man, I said right there in my letter to him that I wasn't "offended" by anyone in the ward. I simply asked that he call ahead to schedule an appointment if he wanted to come see us. I don't care who it is, I can't stand unannounced "pop-in" visits to our house. I suppose I'll have to write him back to clarify my position concerning this.

Overall, it was a very kind and compassionate letter. He didn't make any attempt at changing my mind about leaving the church other than suggesting that I listen to the Holy Ghost, since he is the teacher of all truth (despite any scientific evidence that disproves many, if not all, of Joseph Smith's claims).

He went on to say that I was welcome at all church activities and that he has fond memories of spending time with us at our home. (My wife was the Relief Society President for a couple of years and the Bishop and his wife would come over and conduct business every Sunday night.)

He informed me that he asked the Elder's Quorum to remove my name from Home Teaching lists, but asked that my wife be allowed visits from her Visiting Teachers. Hell, what do I say to that? In my resignation letter, I stated that she wished to remain a member. Even though I think it would be best (for her, for our marriage, and for our children) that she come around to my way of thinking when it comes to accepting Mormonism as a fraud, I won't force it on her. Of course I'll "allow" her to receive visits from the Visiting Teachers, if that's what she wants.

All I've asked of my wife is to read two books with the hopes that she'll see things as I now do, but she has yet to do so. I think she's just too afraid to know the truth, so she's happy to keep her head buried in the sand. I promised her that if she would just read these two books ("How Good is Good Enough?" by Andy Stanley - a booklet explaining that salvation comes by God's grace alone, and not of our works as taught by the LDS church...and "An Insider's View of Mormon Origins" by Grant Palmer - an awesome book that reveals the true history of Mormonism and of its founder, Joseph Smith, not just the sanitized version the church promotes) and that if she chose to remain an active member of the church, then I would give her my full support. (I would make a serious attempt at supporting her, anyway...I would really try.) But she won't read them. She hasn't refused to read them, she actually said that she would, but she just hasn't yet.

In the meantime, our marriage has begun to show signs of strain. The dynamic of our relationship has been forever altered. But you know, I think that was inevitable anyway. Even if I hadn't decided that the church wasn't true and excused myself from it, something else would have happened to cause an evolution of our relationship...that's part of marriage. We're no longer the lovey-dovey newlyweds we once were (although I think we were fortunate to have that phase of our marriage last several years) and the normal stresses of life have just sort of happened.

We'll see where this fork in the road takes us.

Saturday's Warrior

2007-01-02T05:47:00.000-07:00

The Bishop called on Saturday night.

I looked at the caller ID, saw that it was him, and ignored it. I figured he was calling for my wife.

Nope.

He left the following message on our answering machine: "Hi Al, Bishop Sinestro here. I got your letter [of resignation] and I'm sorry that you feel that way. I'm sorry if my recent visits to your home have offended you in any way. I just have a few questions for you, so please call me..."

Well, that was about it. One of the first paragraphs in my resignation letter expressed the fact that I wasn't offended by anyone in the church, so I guess he was referring to a later paragraph in which I asked him to call ahead and make an appointment before just stopping by for a visit.

I haven't yet returned his call. I just don't see the need to do so. My letter stated that I wouldn't be attending any form of "court" and that my decision was final, so I don't know if he's looking to talk me out of resigning or what.

I dunno...should I call him back?

Mission: Deadly

2006-12-29T05:46:00.000-07:00

I hadn't heard about this tragedy until this morning:

"Two LDS Missionaries Killed in a Car Accident
December 22nd, 2006 @ 9:35pm
(KSL News) -- Two senior missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have died in a car accident.
According to a church spokesman, Sister Alice Ann Rust of Layton and Sister Connie Linford Spackman of Wyoming were returning from the temple in Orlando yesterday when their car was broadsided.

One died instantly, the other on the way to the hospital.
Sister Rust's church leader told KSL of the family's reaction.
Pres. Mark Gilleland, Layton East Stake: "Their mother was doing what she wanted to be doing, serving this mission was very important to her."
The other driver was treated for injuries.
The two women were serving missions with their husbands at the Church's welfare ranch that has cattle and an orchard. "

Just last week I was talking with my father, who is a TBM, and he mentioned his desire to serve a mission with his wife soon after his retirement (which will be sometime within the next 10 years) and although I was tempted to point out that doing so was just a waste of time and money I kept myself in check. He doesn't yet know that I've left the church and I doubt he would sincerely listen to anything I had to say on the subject.

There are several aspects of LDS missions that bother me:

1. It's an almost unavoidable expectation. Well, at least for all worthy male members 19 years of age. While women can serve a mission, they are encouraged to first seek out a suitable mate and start squeezing out babies. This is why they're not allowed to go on a mission until they're 21 years old...wow, a whole two-year window to accomplish that!
For the young men...it's basically forced on them. Of course, they don't have to serve a mission if they really don't want to, or if they're found "unworthy" (God, I hate that terminology!) but at a great personal risk.

I'm happy to say that I didn't go on a mission...even though I was a believing member at that age. Primarily, I felt unworthy to do so. I was (am still am) a sinner and I knew it. Since the LDS church demands such perfection in every little aspect, I knew I wouldn't be able to contort myself into their little box.

2. It's on YOUR dollar. Despite the fact that the Mormon church is one of the wealthiest organizations in the world (they rake in an estimated 5.9 billion dollars annually - according to TIME magazine) they make all their missionaries pay for their mission out of their own pocket.

3. The Danger Zone. Although the church claims to avoid dangerous places (this is probably true to some extent), the fact remains that missionaries are still sent to unsafe locations. I'm reminded of the two sister missionaries who were beaten and raped in south Africa. See here for a great podcast and opinion about it.

4. Lies about garments. This is what bothers me the most. I remember going through the temple for the first time to take out my "endowments" and being told by the temple worker there that my spanking new underwear (known as temple garments) would serve as a protection for me as long as I was wearing them. Like any other naieve TBM cult member, I bought into all the Faith Promoting Rumors about people who had been spared from death or serious injury because they were wearing their magical undergarments.

Let me bear my testimony to you folks: GARMENTS DO NOT PROTECT YOU FROM HARM!

If that were true, then we would NEVER hear about LDS missionaries being hurt, raped, or killed while in the humble service of their god. It's just as simple as that.

Of course, a TBM will try to spin it any which way s/he can to maintain their belief system concerning this subject. They might say something like:

"Well, it was just their time to go" or, "the Lord had more important work for them to do in heaven" or even worse, "then they weren't being worthy enough."

Sorry folks, I'm just going to have to call "Bullshit" on that. These poor kids (or older folks) are serving missions because they believe the LIE that its something the Lord wants them to do. Then, they believe another LIE that they'll be protected from harm by wearing their temple garments.

Perhaps I'll be able to talk my father out of this crazy mission endeavor, but I won't hold my breath. He lives in his own little world and believes whatever he wants to believe...whatever sounds good, regardless of how impossible or irrational it may be.

But then again, we're probably all guilty of that.

Bottom line is this: don't serve a mission for the LDS church. Put all that money towards something more important, like a college education, or a sporty new car (hey, chicks love cool cars...that's what I hear, anyway!)

I Guess I Spoke Too Soon

2006-12-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

On my last post, I dared to declare that "my apostasy from the LDS church has been without major incident".

I guess I spoke too soon.

Okay, so what happened over the weekend wasn't really a "major" incident, but it was an incident nonetheless.

Last week, I stopped by the state liquor store and picked up a couple of bottles of "Grampa's cough medicine." Granted, I've never been a big drinker, but I like the occasional alcohol-induced buzz as much as the next [non-LDS] fellow, so I didn't see the harm in it. I picked up a bottle of Crown Royal for a friend of mine and a bottle of Boone's Farm Melon Ball for me. (I can't stand the taste of regular beer and can only drink the stuff that tastes good...I've been accused of drinking "chick" beers.)

My only mistake was failing to inform my wife that I had done this...or that I was going to do this. (Isn't it better to ask for forgiveness than for permission anyway?)

I brought the Boone's Farm into the house and had a small glass on Friday night while the Missus was away at work. It tasted alright, but I didn't drink enough for a buzz. I figured she would see the bottle tucked into the door of the fridge and that if she was bothered by it, she'd let me know right away.

Nothing was said the next day, so I assumed everything was okay. Before we left for the family Christmas party that evening, I poured myself another half glass of the bright green liquid. My vulture of a son immediately began to hover over me asking for a sip.

"This isn't for you, son. It's only for me."

"But why daddy?"

"Because some drinks are only for adults and this is one of them."

My wife, who was sitting at the kitchen table in the next room overheard this and raised her eyebrow. Apparently, she hadn't seen the bottle in the fridge yet.

"What is it?" She asked with what could only be described as a question born out of a natural curiousity.

"A wine drink I bought a couple days ago."

"Oh."

Then she let the matter drop...until we climbed into bed just before midnight on Christmas Eve.

I could tell that something was bothering her, so I asked her to tell me what that something was.

She broke into tears and told me how much it bothered her that I had brought a bottle of [3%] alcohol into our home. Her concern was that I had broken a promise to not start drinking or smoking (you know, all the usual stuff us evil church apostates tend to do once we realize Mormonism is based on lies and perpetual deception) and that I would become a raging alcoholic and thus abusive to her and the kids.

For some reason I began my defense with: "but I'm a very friendly drunk."

This is true.

I've seen some people get crazy and mean when they've over-imbibed on the hard stuff, but I'm at the opposite end of the drunken spectrum. When I'm buzzing, everybody around me becomes my best friend. If anything, having the occasional drink would help me be a little nicer to my kids...they really know how to push my buttons and obviously have no reservations about doing so on a daily basis.

Anyway, I told her that I didn't see what the big deal was since the oppressive rules of Mo-ism no longer applied to me and that I was free to make these kinds of decisions without any fear. I tried to explain to her how wonderful it feels to be free of church influences and all their ridiculous little rules, but she was having difficulty wrapping her head around the concept.

We talked until about 3 in the morning, all the while knowing that Christmas morning was rapidly approaching and we'd soon have to get up with the kids who would all be anxious to start unwrapping presents.

The conversation ended well (they usually do - she really is a very understanding and loving woman) and we finally went to sleep.

I still have a long way to go to help her realize the truth about the roots of Mormonism, but she's resisting...she's happier believing the lie, even if she's aware of the probability that it's a lie.

This is what the church does to people.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need a drink...

A Very Apostate Christmas

2006-12-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

So far, my apostasy from the LDS church has been without major incident.

We went to an annual family Christmas party at my wife's grandmother's house last night...of the 35 or so people there, I think there were only about 3 or 4 of us non-members (or apostates) of the church.

I think I'm fortunate to have a family (both immediate and extended) who are willing to accept me regardless of my religious beliefs. While I'm fairly certain there's an amount of hushed whisperings and "tsk tsk's" that goes on behind our backs (I know because I've not only heard it myself, I've also been guilty of doing the exact same thing), there isn't any serious backbiting or reprimanding going on.

If anything, the other family members just feel pity towards us "Sons of Perdition" because to them, we've rejected the one and only true gospel of Jesus Christ and have resigned ourselves to a lower glory of heaven, if not outer darkness itself (a Mormon version of Hell).

Members of the Mormon faith just can't help it. They're conditioned to think that they are God's new chosen people (Jews? Who are they?) and everyone else is just Satan's modeling clay, subject to his every evil will and whim. To the Mormon faithful, everyone else is an outsider who just lacks knowledge, or faith, or God's Holy Spirit, or a combination of all three.

By the way, this is a classic cult characteristic...establishing an "us versus them" mentality. To Mormons, there are only two kinds of people - especially in the state of Utah: "Members", or the enlightened recipients of God's only true and restored gospel, and "Non-Members".

That's it...there isn't really a third option.

Of course, thanks to comments made by their "Prophet, Seer and Revelator" Gordon B. Hinckley, many members have accepted the very possibility that members of other faiths may actually have some divine inspiration. "Bring us what good you have and see if we can add to it" is a paraphrase GBH has delivered during a semi-annual Conference address.

Wow, that view has certainly come a long way from Joseph Smith's original claim that "they were all wrong...that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt..."

How nice of Mr. Hinckley to distance himself and the church even further from the authenticity of its very origins and promote a more loving, accepting, and "politically correct" mindset of church members. For a church that used to take such pride in being different from all the other Christian sects (you know, being that they're such a unique and "peculiar" people), it's now trying so hard to fit in with everybody else and find acceptance within mainstream Christianity.

I'm kind of on a tangent here...

So the party went well last night. I adhered to my strategy of avoiding all topics of conversation dealing with the church and all it's many tentacles (callings, Scouting, etc.) as well as the obligatory "blessing on the food". As uncomfortable as I am having to sit through these "blessings" or any other prayer (Mormon or not) for that matter, I absolutely despise being the one asked to give the damn thing.

The majority of my family, or my wife's family, aren't even aware of my apostasy as far as I can tell. I don't know...I guess word may have gotten around, but I know that isn't something they like to talk about. It's too negative...too controversial for their taste. I haven't been asked anything about my exodus from the faith, but then again, nobody asked me about my current church calling, or anything like that...so it's difficult to determine.

I guess I could always stand up on a chair and start waving my arms and yell "hey, look at me! I've left the church because I learned it's all a fraud and that you're all brainwashed members of a frackin' cult!"

That probably wouldn't be received very well.

There's undoubtedly a better way to handle it, but I'm clueless as to the approach. Perhaps it's best to just keep my mouth shut until someone actually asks me something about it and then I can be as honest and forthright about it as I possibly can be, without stepping on any toes in the process. I don't want to be accused of being an evil "anti-Mormon"...even if that's what I really am.

We have another family get-together tonight...so we'll see how that goes.

Merry Christmas to all!

Primary Persuasion

2006-12-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

We had two ward visitors drop by the house unannounced on Monday night.

The first one was the son of the 1st Councelor (of the Bishopric) who was just dropping off a Christmas gift for us...they give us cute little ornaments every year.

The next visitor was a member of the Primary Presidency who felt the need to interview my 6 year old daughter right there in the doorway.

"We haven't seen you in Primary for awhile and we wanted to spotlight you for you birthday." She says.

(I'll admit, this one is all me...I've done everything in my power to keep my wife and kids from attending church for the past few months.)

She then proceeded to ask my daughter a few questions (what, is she writing a damn book?) like "What's your favorite scripture story?" (My daughter couldn't answer this one since we don't read scriptures with her. )

The lady tried to prompt an answer by suggesting "Noah's Ark? Captain Moroni?" (I rolled my eyes at this...damn fictional character.)

Next was: "What's your favorite Primary song?" (Again, my daughter was speechless because by now she's probably forgotten all the little mind-warping hymns they like to teach the little LDS children.)

"She likes them all," my wife answered. (At this point, I think my hands were clenched into fists....damn cult!)

Finally, the lady left.

Sorry to disappoint you Primary Lady, but I have absolutely no intention of allowing my daughter, or any of my kids for that matter, back into Primary.

I refuse to let the LDS Cult force its lies into the hearts and minds of my children.
They will be strong, yet moral.
They will be independant, yet compassionate.
But most importantly, they will be free from the Cult.

So help me God.

I Stole This From Another Blog

2006-12-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

[I stumbled upon this on some German guy's blog. Funny stuff.]

shit happens

The Religions
Taoism: Shit happens
Hinduism: This shit happened before
Confucianism: Confucius says: Shit happens
Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shit happening
Hare Krisha: Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock, read this shit.
Mormonism: Can we sell this shit to the Gentiles?
7th Day Adventist: Holy Shit!
Unitarian: It’s all good shit.
Pentacostal: Praise this shit!
Agnostic: What is this shit?
Atheism: There is no shit.
New age: I feel your shit.
Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it
Darwinism: The survival of the shittiest
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Rastafarian: Let’s smoke this shit!

[I'm tempted to alter the description of Mormonism though. Maybe something like "The only true shit" or "I know this shit is true" or "Bow your head and say yes to this shit" or "People actually believe this shit?" Any suggestions?]

Torpedoes Away!

2006-12-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

I did it.
It's done.
No going back now.

My letters of resignation from the LDS church were mailed to the Bishop and the Stake President this morning.

*Whew!*

I gotta say, it feels good to know that I've finally taken this step. I feel like I've finally taken a stand, drawn the line in the sand, and am ready to re-claim my life. Although my faith in "the one and only true church" evaporated over a year ago, it's taken me this long to step out from underneath the umbrella of fear I've been cowering beneath all these months.

That's what the church does to its members, you know. It controls them with fear.

Fear of speaking out against it, even if speaking absolute truth.

Fear of going to hell (okay, Outer Darkness...whatever you want to call it) for not conforming to each and every one of their ridiculous expectations.

Fear of LIVING YOUR OWN LIFE!!!

I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing the repercussions of resignation. I don't care if my neighbors start shunning me or forbid their children to play with mine (the offspring of a *gasp!* apostate!)

I say "bring it on."

Now if only I can convince my wife to step out from underneath this umbrella as well. She's still so afraid of getting wet, but wouldn't you know it? It's not even raining!

Richard Packham at the 2005 Ex-Mormon Conference

2006-12-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

I often sit for hours at a time isolated in a remote corner of the building in which I work. Since much of my time is spent at a computer, I am able to listen to radio stations or other audio files of interest that I'm able to locate on the internet. Podcasts have become my favorite things to listen to, especially when they deal with Mormonism (usually of the anti-moism or post-moism flavor), and one of the best I've found is at thechurchisnottrue.com website.

Although the managers of the site, Mike Norton and Hyrum Moriancumur haven't posted any new podcasts for several months, I enjoy replaying them. Each time I hear them, I either pick up on something I missed before or at the very least, it helps me to strengthen my resolve in my stand against Mormonism.

The first few poscasts are okay, but it isn't until they interview Bob McCue that they really get good.

Just this morning, I was listening to Part 2 of their interview with Richard Packham again and I finally took Mike's advice and went to the exmormonfoundation.org website to listen to the after dinner speech Packham gave at the 2005 conference.

I can sum it up in one word: powerful.

He does such a good job of putting into words (either written or spoken) the sentiments that I have with regards to the mormon church and its effects on people. It also helps to know that I'm not alone in this journey. It is comforting to know that there are others out there like me who have felt the heartache that comes with the realization that the church simply is not true. That we have been lied to. That we now must make the difficult decision of living a lie in order to conform with family and social expectations or be true to ourselves and take a stand.

This journey isn't easy, but I expect that it will be worth it.

I offer my gratitude to Mike and Hyrum for their website and their podcasts, as well as to men of incredible integrity such as Richard Packham, Bob McCue and Tal Bachman who have blazed the trail of recovery before me.

I walk their path, and I hope others will follow me into the light of truth and knowlege.

And of freedom.

My Letter of Resignation from the LDS Church

2006-12-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

As described in my previous post, my letter of resignation from the LDS church is ready to go. I thought I'd include it for kicks and giggles. (Of course, I've changed all the names to protect the "innocent".)

Enjoy!

Dear Bishop Sinestro,

This letter is being sent to inform you that I am officially requesting that my name be removed from the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This request is being made after a year of intense study into the history of the church and its doctrines. I have a deep love and gratitude for many friends and family that are still members of the church, and wish to make it very clear that I am not leaving because of hurt feelings, or at having been offended by anyone in the church. This decision is being made freely on my part, and with a full knowledge of what the LDS church teaches are the consequences of making this decision.

I must insist that the official record, as well as the letter of notification of name removal, show that the only reason that my name has been removed from church records is that I request it to be so. I also insist that the word “excommunication” not be used in the letter notifying me of this action.

Please be advised that I am taking this action because it has been demonstrated to my satisfaction that Joseph Smith was not a true prophet of God, that the Book of Mormon is a piece of 19th century fiction, and that the church has taught or currently teaches erroneous doctrines which I believe to be in conflict with God’s will.

After countless hours of intense personal study, I have finally been made aware of the many evidences against the authenticity and truthfulness of the church and the claims of Joseph Smith. It is my contention that many of these facts have been purposefully kept from me and that the church continues to keep them from the general membership of the church. I consider any tactic to suppress important truths concerning the very foundations of Mormonism to be deceitful and manipulative.

These evidences include, but are not limited to: variations of the First Vision, unreliable “witnesses” to the gold plates, the true nature of the translation process of the gold plates, the inaccurate translation of The Book of Abraham papyri, the inarguable correlation between Masonic and Temple rituals, complete lack of geographical and archaeological support of the Book of Mormon, as well as the scientific proof against Book of Mormon claims (i.e. the DNA issue).

Erroneous, and sometimes harmful, doctrines of the church include, but are not limited to: polygamy, blood atonement, tithing, “salvation by works, not grace”, polytheism, and temple rites.

While I recognize the good aspects of the LDS church, such as its promotion of family values and healthy lifestyles, I do not believe they are enough to retain my membership. Nor will I consent to allow my children to be subjected to the indoctrination process of the church which I believe has the potential to harm their emotional and mental growth. The following website sufficiently contains my reasons for making this statement: http://home.teleport.com/~packham/children.htm.

I want it to be clear that my desire to leave the church is the result of an informed, rational decision making process and that it is final. While I understand that it is standard operating procedure to hold a church “court” (disciplinary or otherwise) in cases such as this, I have no intention of participating in one since I no longer recognize or accept any church authority or judgment over me and my actions.

I ask that you please respect my request to have my name removed immediately, and be aware that I do not welcome any visits or phone calls from missionaries, home teachers, visiting teachers, and bishopric or stake presidency members if they are performed within an official church capacity. I gladly welcome the friendship of any and all ward and stake members, but must request that no missionary efforts are made in an attempt to reinstate my membership. If an official audience with my wife (who wishes to continue her membership at this time) is desired, I request that you call ahead and schedule an appointment with her instead of conducting a surprise visit to our place of residence.

Again, it is not my intention to sever any of the friendships I have made with the many good people of the OA Ward and it is my sincere hope that my decision to leave the church does not result in any negative thoughts, feelings or actions toward myself or my family. I am thankful for the kindness and generosity that has been given to us by the Ward over the past seven years.

With Respect,

CC – Lex Luthor, Stake President

Another "Pop In" Visit By The Bishop

2006-11-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

Sunday night around 8:00. The wife and kids and I had just settled in to watch The Polar Express since we wanted to get into the spirit of the holiday season.

Knock, knock, knock.

Damn. I've learned that a visitor on a Sunday night is never a good thing.

It was the Bishop. This is the second time in about a month he's just "dropped by" for one reason or another. This time it was to extend a release to my wife who's been serving as our ward's Compassionate Service Leader for the past year or so. I thought maybe he was letting her out of the job because she hasn't been to church for a couple of months (my influence!)
But nope, he wanted to toss yet another meaningless "calling" her way. I wasn't in the room at the time to hear what the job was, so I wasn't aware of it until I'd later asked her what else it was that he wanted. She told me it was for another calling and that she'd turned it down. (Yay!)

Since the Bishop seems to be getting a little bit more bold about just coming over whenever he damn well pleases, I went ahead and finally composed my letter of resignation yesterday morning. All I need to do now is mail off a copy to the Bishop and one to the Stake President in order to set things in motion.

My wife was a little upset when I informed her of the letter.

"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this." She told me.

I told her that it was just the next logical step to take since I knew I'd never go back to the LDS church again.

I was hoping that I'd be able to show her the things that I'd discovered about the church, things that it tries so hard to suppress from its members by brushing them aside or pretending that they don't matter, or even worse, that they don't exist. But she has yet to read any of the books, visit any of the websites, or watch any of the videos.

"I hadn't intended on doing this alone, you know," I said. "I wanted us to resign together, as a family, but the Bishop is forcing my hand here. I've got to take a stand for the sake of my own sanity and emotional well-being, as well as for the sake of the kids."

I then began a lecture about how I believed the church can actually be a harmful influence on children. Richard Packham has an excellent essay concerning this topic and can be found at:
http://home.teleport.com/~packham/children.htm

She didn't have much to say in response. I think she's just still in shock over all this, just as I was for a period of several weeks once I realized that everything about the church I'd accepted as truth was actually one enormous lie.

So, my letter is written and ready for submission.

Soon, I'll be free.

Conversations With Bob

2006-11-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

The following is some correspondance between me and a TBM apologist named Bob the Anti-Anti Mormon who runs the blog "promormon.blogspot.com".

What initiated this conversation was a comment that I had made on his blog about his views concerning the evangelical Christian, Shawn McCraney, and his television show, "Heart of the Matter." At first, I was of the impression that Bob was being overly critical of Shawn's responses to honest inquiries and corrections, but as I learned more about the story, I realized that Shawn is just as guilty of playing the "I'm right and you're wrong no matter what you say" game as die-hard Mormons are.

Bob, I hope you don't mind my posting this! Let me know if that's the case.

From: Al Jordan
Sent: Thursday, November 09, 2006 7:41 AM
To: rvukich
Subject: [Anti-Mormons] 11/09/2006 06:41:01 AM

Hi Bob, me again.

Thanks for your email concerning my comment on your previous post.

This recent post of yours sheds some much needed light on Shawn's behavior,
and it's actually helped to somewhat alter my opinion of him.

He invites criticism, then kicks it in the shin when it knocks on his door.
Very childish indeed.

He obviously has an agenda...you're right about that. I won't defend him.
But I also won't defend mormonism for doing pretty much the same thing.

Shawn asks for donations, while the LDS church makes tithing a requirement
to get into heaven.

Shawn waves away facts that don't support his views, but so does the
church,
even more so if you ask me.

In the end, both parties is striving to do what they think is right,
allowing the ends to justify the means.

Sometimes I wonder if the world would be a better place without religions
and all the zealots that come with them.

Posted by Al Jordan to Anti-Mormons
http://promormon.blogspot.com/2006/11/it-doesnt-matter-at-heart.html> at
11/09/2006 06:41:01 AM

From: "Robert Vukich"
To: "'Al Jordan'"
Subject: RE: [Anti-Mormons] 11/09/2006 06:41:01 AM
Date: Thu, 9 Nov 2006 13:56:32 -0700

I responded on line. I really appreciate your comments. And though I
probably sound stupid the way I said it three times in my response online,
I
truly see your point.
Thanks again. Well said.
Bob

From: Al Jordan
Sent: Saturday, November 18, 2006 5:29 AM
To: rvukich
Subject: RE: [Anti-Mormons] 11/09/2006 06:41:01 AM

Hi Bob! Sorry for the delay in responding...I don't check this email very
often.

I went back and listened to all the previous episodes of "heart of the
matter" online and finally came across the one with your phone call. I
thought it was a good one! Shawn wasn't as argumentative with you as he can

be with other pro-mormons.

Do you still watch the show, or have you since boycotted it?

I don't necessarily agree with everything Shawn says on his program, or the
way he deals with some of his callers, but I think he makes some good
points.

I'm in the process of leaving the church and while I'm finally past the
"anger" phase of my recovery, I'm still interested in opposing views and
opinions, so I'll probably keep watching.

Thanks for writing me back...good luck to you!

AJ

From: "Robert Vukich"
To: "'Al Jordan'"
Subject: RE: [Anti-Mormons] 11/09/2006 06:41:01 AM
Date: Sat, 18 Nov 2006 23:19:40 -0700

Hi Al,
Thanks again for the notes. I am not boycotting or anything like that. If
I have time, I will watch. My frustration is that it is just so grossly out
of the norm for what Mormonism is. No big deal.

Sorry to hear you plan to leave the Church. From your responses I am
guessing it is not a Mormon vs. Christian thing.

Honestly, I did not have an opinion about the Church when I was 18. I had
been baptized at 16, was not active, and really did not know how the Church
was going to relate to my life. My best friend has since gone on to become
a minister at a Four Square Church up in Idaho. But at 18 I started to
study LDS doctrine, and compared it to the things of Evangelical and also
the anti-Mormons teachings. Frankly, I came to realize that LDS doctrine,
regardless of physical evidence, is just more in line with the Bible. I
believe there is some physical support of the Church as well, but I would
not really pay attention to it one way or the other, because there can
always be questions raised about any philosophical point of view. On the
other hand, there is no way to explain things like the LDS doctrine's of
plural gods and the exaltation of man, the role of prophets and the role of
agency.

I look forward to hearing more from you as you have time. Good luck.
Bob

Hey Bob,

You're right, my decision to leave isn't based on a conversion to "mainstream" Christianity. I was born and raised in the church and believed in it, but only because that's all I'd ever known. I didn't go on a mission at age 19, not because of any unbelief, but because I felt unworthy and didn't want to cheat anyone out of an otherwise spiritual experience. I felt that I would be a disappointment to the Lord if I lied about my "worthiness" in order to go on a mission.

Instead, I enlisted in the Army and served a total of 4 1/2 years on active duty and 6 on reserve status with the National Guard. This gave me an opportunity to explore different parts of the world outside of Mormondom and make friends with a myriad faiths and backgrounds that were different than my own.

But I was still a believer.

I married in the temple, had some kids, went to church every Sunday and tried to fulfill my callings as best I could.

Then something happened. I can't pinpoint any event or trigger in particular, but none of it seemed to matter anymore. I wasn't getting anything worthwhile out of church attendance. I actually started to resent going, so I started to skip out on the other meetings after Sacrament and avoided any additional assignments such as home teaching.

It may be that the older I get, the more valuable my spare time is to me. You know how the church likes to keep people so busy. For an organization that claims to support the strengthening of the family, it was taking me away from my family...and that really started to bother me.

So maybe I'm selfish...I won't dispute that.

It wasn't until I stumbled on what some consider "anti-mormon" material on the internet. I remember that distinctly. It was the whole "men on the moon" debacle. At first I couldn't believe what I was reading...a true prophet of God couldn't have possibly believed or taught something as ridiculous as that!

So I began my research. Moon men led to Blood Atonement which led to the temple's Masonic origins which led to Joseph Smith's ties to the occult which led to the facts behind the "translation" of the plates which led to polygamy which led to the DNA issue...on and on. There seemed to be no end to amount of evidence against the church, much of which doesn't even come from sources without the church, but within it!

I started to doubt, so I sought answers from the web's best mormon apologists...you know, FARMS, FAIR, Jeff Lindsay. Their answers seemed flimsy and speculative at best.

Then my doubt morphed into unbelief and I began my journey of recovery. It really is amazing how similar this experience is to that of losing a loved one...all the same steps, or "phases" are there: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Acceptance.

I think I'm finally over the anger phase, but now that I no longer accept the church as being true anymore, I'm constantly seeking new information about religious truth, even from all the sources that I once were thought "taboo".

I'm interested in just plain old Bible thumping Christianity, but not enough to just dive right into it I guess. I'm now suspicious of every religion. So I have to ask myself: do I even need religion in my life? Does anyone?

The most difficult part of all this is that just about everyone in my immediate and extended family are all TBMs. I don't even feel like I can talk to anyone about anything for fear of causing an argument or animosity between us.

Well, there's my story. You didn't ask for it, but I gave it to you anyway. I hope you don't mind. You seem like a really great guy and I appreciate your understanding.

I do find it extremely interesting how you said you found truth in the church even after seriously researching it. Had I known the things about it that I do now, I would have never stuck with it for as long as I did. And I think that most members, be they newer converts or "cradle to the grave" types, are just as in the dark about these issues as I was.

I can no longer put my trust or faith in a church that attempts to sterilize its own history in order to gain or retain members. In light of the evidence, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young just aren't the great prophetic men the church wants us to believe they were.

Okay, I'll stop now. I welcome any comments you may have.
AJ

Campy Religions

2006-11-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I enjoyed camping.
The fresh mountain air, the warmth and smell of a raging campfire, and the clear night sky illuminated with endless twinkling stars.

Then I joined the army and was forced to go on weeks of outdoor "field" exercises where we were exposed to the harsh elements.

I've never been colder, wetter, hotter, dirtier, or generally more miserable in my entire life.

Camping has thus been ruined for me.

Given the choice between comfort and camping, I'll choose the former from now on.

Religion, it would seem, has suffered the same fate. Now that I've voluntarily excused myself from further participation in the LDS church, I just have no interest in seeking out another church to attend. I no longer see the point in it.

For years, I've resented Sundays because of all the meetings I was expected to attend. It's been years since I found anything resembling joy at church, which may be why it was so easy to up and leave once I discovered it was all just a colossal fraud anyway.

I've discovered a newfound freedom on Sundays, now that I know I don't HAVE to go to another Sacrament meeting, ESPECIALLY those lousy fast and testimony meetings where I have to sit there and listen to people whine and cry about the trials they have in their lives. (Hello! We've all got problems. Get over it and move on with your damn life!) Oh, and now that I've sufficiently detached myself from all the brainwashing techniques, all the lies and bullshit have become blatantly apparant. I mean, come on "I KNOW the church is true." Give me a damn break. Unless God or Jesus personally appeared to you and told you that, you don't KNOW it. You BELIEVE it to be true, or you WANT it to be true, but that doesn't make it so.

I've given some thought to testing out some local Christian churches in my area, but I just don't want to get sucked into something else. Do I need church (i.e. organized religion) and all its related legalism in my life? Not really. I can get by just fine without it.

But I guess if Jesus ever dropped by the house with a sleeping bag tucked under one arm and a package of marshmallows in the other and invited me to go camping with him, I'd go.

I'll just bet He likes s'mores.

The LDS church is like a box of chocolates...

2006-11-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

I came into work a little early today. There's always something left behind from the day before so I'm constantly in "catch up" mode.

Someone had left a bag of what looked like chocolate covered raisins on a table in the office's commons area, so I thought I'd help myself. It's not unusual for people to bring in goodies to share with their co-workers, so I didn't think it would be a problem to pop 4 or 5 of the treats into my mouth.

They started out good...all chocolatey and everything, then the sweet taste suddenly disappeared. I thought, "that's odd," and then the burning kicked in.

"Son of a...!" I spit them out into the trash can.

Double checking the bag, I noticed the label hidden on the bottom: "Kopper's Cayenne Pepper Savory."

What.

The.

Hell.

A coworker's idea of a joke, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

It only took me a moment to make a parallel between this situation and the one I faced with the mormon church.

It looks innocent enough, and if you just focus on the surface, it's sweet and "savory."

But if you dig just a little deeper, into it's core, you'll find something much more diabolical and disgusting and you realize that you've been had.

The moral of the story: look a little more closely at the ingredients before taking a bite. You'll be glad you did.

Trunk or Treat: The Aftermath

2006-11-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the Trunk or Treat activity in the ward parking lot went very well. All three wards who meet in the building were involved with the activity, so there were an absolute ton of people.

Nothing bad was said. No invasive questions were asked. It was just a fun experience.

Sometimes I get myself all worked up about how perverse Joseph Smith and the origins of mo-ism were, that I forget that most of the people caught up in this religious cult are decent, well-intentioned, good people. It's not their fault that the church has been lying about its own history since it's conception. I'm betting that most of them are completely unaware of its shady past, just as I was for so many years.

What's sad is that they've also been programmed to resist anything that conflicts with what they've accepted as truth and the very devoted members will never allow anything to damage or alter their "testimonies" in any way.

God, I can't help but just feel bad for them. I wish there was something I could do to help, but I'm not much of an activist. All I can do now is just try to maintain damage control within my own family and keep the cancer that is the mormon cult out of the minds of my children.

I still don't know if there's any hope for my wife. I've managed to keep her from church for several weeks, but she still wears her temple garments (I understand that it can be difficult to let go of the superstitious crutch that is the enchanted underwear), and from what I can tell, she's still a believer.

There are still several hurdles that must be overcome in this journey to religious truth/freedom.

I'll have to take them one at a time.

A Blessing and a Bishop

2006-10-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

Weekend Incident #1:
Another dinner at the in-law's house this past Sunday evening.

Dad-in-law was taking care of his mom, so he wasn't there for dinner. With his absence, mom-in-law called on the next presiding "priesthood" holder, my bro-in-law to call on someone to ask the blessing on the meal.

I'll give you three guesses on who he asked...

If you answered "you, Al", then you would be absolutely correct.

My heart began to race because I knew this would be a moment of truth for me. I could either continue to "play the game" and agree to pray to the mormon god, in whom I no longer have faith, or I could finally draw some sort of line in the proverbial sand.

"I'd rather not, thanks," was my reply.

I must have entered some kind of mindless trance after this, because I don't even remember what his reaction to this was or who he called on after my polite refusal. I just know that inside, I was dancing my own personal jig, because I had finally taken a critical first step in solidifying my resolve against mormonism among my TBM family-in-law and it went better than I'd ever imagined.

But then I expected some sort of inquiry from the ex-bishop bro-in-law, and it never came.

Nothing.

I was sure that he of all people would be the first to come right out with a "what's going on?" either right there in front of everyone, or at least later in a more private conversation, but he never did. I'm left to wonder if he at least asked my wife about the situation, in which case she probably would have admitted to him that I'm now a non-believer in mo-ism.

Weekend Incident #2:
There was a knock on our door yesterday morning. I happened to be the one closest to the door, so I hesitantly approached the peep-hole. (I say "hesitant" because I hate visitors to our door. It's never anyone I care to see, only people trying to sell something or ask me to do something.)

It was the bishop.

I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with him, especially if it had anything to do with church stuff, but I mustered a smile and opened the door anyway.

I was very cordial and even invited him inside. He's not a bad fellow, just you know... a bishop!
He was just dropping off a check to my wife to re-imburse her for some flowers she'd bought for a sick ward member.

Oh, and he also had in his hand an invitation to the "trunk or treat" ward activity which takes place tonight.

We made some small talk, but I used every possible distraction (i.e. kids) to leave the room, thus avoiding any serious issues. He did say "we miss you at church" and I just mumbled an "oh, yeah?" because I just couldn't think of anything better to say.

Then he said "we hope to see you soon" and I said, "well, we'll probably see you at the truck or treat tomorrow night."

So, I guess that means we're going tonight.

Crap. It's just too bad my costume doesn't have a mask to conceal my look of complete disdain (is that the right word to use here?) at being there.

Maybe it's not too late to change my costume and I could go as Satan. Would that send the right message?

Halloween Hijinx

2006-10-26T04:15:00.000-07:00

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.

The concept of this being the one day of the year I can dress however I want and basically play make believe like a kid again, with little or no worry of facing the ridicule of others, is very appealing to me.

My love of Halloween has thus been incorporated into my family life. My wife and I started out with costumes that complemented each other, then as we started having kids, we started to expand our costume "themes." So far, it's worked out very well and we've disguised ourselves as superheroes, cartoon characters, and action figures. The kids are still young enough to readily agree to our suggestions, although I know the day of their creative independance is just over the horizon and they'll start to have their own ideas for costumes.

This year, I'm facing a dilemma of sorts. In the past, we've gone to the ward for their "trunk or treat" activity, then hit a few houses in the neighborhood before calling it a night. Now that I've taken some steps to distance myself from church activity, I'm forced to decide our course of action for the holiday.

Do we adhere to tradition and mingle with the ward folks, or do we just hit the houses in our quest for cavities? A part of me doesn't mind going to the ward activity, but another part of me is screaming in vehement opposition to that idea. What message will I be sending if we show up in the ward parking lot? As far as I know, the majority of the ward remains unaware of my apostasy, so I'm predicting I'll have to face some questions and/or comments about my church attendance (or lack thereof) and that's not something I care to deal with.

And by appearing, does that in any way convey the notion that I continue to endorse the church in any way? I'm sure the bishop will be there and I'll then be forced to talk to him, even if only for a brief moment. I haven't spoken with him since this whole mess began. I can only imagine what comment he'll have for me (if anything at all.)

I have a dozen scenarios swirling around in my head and I'm trying to predict which is the more likely to occur and base my decision on that.

The safe thing to do would be to make other plans for trick or treating.
Or let the wife and kids go to the trunk or treat without me.
Or just go, grit my teeth and bite my tongue the whole time we're there.

Hell, I just want the candy.

Another Damn Sunday Dinner

2006-10-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

In my wife's family, it has become customary to gather at her parent's house every Sunday evening for dinner. It's an open invitation to us and to my wife's siblings and our respective families. Sometimes we make other plans or are stuck at home with sick kids, but we usually end up going.

At first, I thoroughly enjoyed these weekly reunions. My wife's family is very friendly and they all get along very well. This is something I never really had growing up, so I found it refreshing to spend time with an actual "family" once in awhile.

My relationship with the in-laws has always been amiable. They're your typical, family-oriented, kind and loving mormon family.

And therein lies the problem.

Now that I've become a non-believer, I've found spending time with them almost unbearable. Like most TBM families, THEIR ENTIRE LIVES revolve around the church and thus church topics continually dominate EVERY conversation!

I stay at the dinner table long enough to inhale my food, then conveniently find a reason to leave the room. I have to, for the sake of my own sanity.

Now that I am aware of the truth behind mormonism, I find all the talk about temple work, church callings, patriachal blessings, blah blah blah absolutely sickening. It just turns my stomach.

Now, I'd like to point out that my parents-in-law are in fact aware of my situation. They know I no longer believe in the church and thankfully they haven't seen fit to call me out on the carpet for it. They really are great people and I know they still consider me a part of the family, but I can't help but think I've lost some of their respect. I'm sure that in their eyes, I've somehow abandoned my wife with regards to celestial glory and perhaps I'm even leading her down to the very bowels of hell itself.

My siblings-in-law (wife's brother and sister) on the other hand, are still unaware of my apostasy, as far as I know. I don't mind telling everyone about my change of religious beliefs, but I really have no idea of how to go about bringing up that kind of subject. I keep hoping that one of them will notice I'm no longer wearing the "magic underwear"...er, temple garments and make some sort of inquiry about it, so I can then openly admit "yeah, I no longer believe in all that mystical mumbo jumbo anymore." That should invoke some wide-eyed looks from the faithful zombies! (Then they just might be tempted to eat my brains, though, so it may behoove me to just keep my mouth shut.)

And so that's what I'm forced to do...just be quiet as I listen to the endless ramblings about church and all that it entails. What other option do I have?

I don't care to initiate any kind of argument or heated debate, but I know that once I make that vocal admission, especially in that kind of setting, I'll be facing a form of interrogation. At least, that's the scenario I've envisioned. Maybe it wouldn't be all that bad. Maybe we could all keep getting along just as well as we always have...but things would change between us...they'd have to.

So, in the meantime, I'll maintain the status quo: showing up for dinner, help to set the table, try to keep all the kids in line (my own as well as the growing mob of nieces and nephews), shovel in a few mouthfuls of whatever-it-is-we're-eating-that-week, and politely excuse myself to the family room where I can watch The Simpsons...at least until someone else comes into the room. The Simpsons are frowned upon in that household.

Sunday, bloody Sunday indeed.

The Agnostic Missionary

2006-10-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

My mother labeled me a "missionary" last night.

I believe my exact reaction was: "huh?"

We were speaking via telephone and I had somehow steered our conversation to the reasons behind my apostasy from the LDS faith, which to her may have sounded like I was preaching my own brand of anti-mormon gospel.

"You're like a missionary in that you're trying to convert other people to your way of thinking."

(Just for the record, I did not serve a 2 year mission for the mormon church. Instead, I opted to serve my country for 3 1/2 years of active duty - both overseas and within CONUS. I have several close friends who served missions though, most of which left the church long before I even started questioning it.)

Well, I suppose that to a certain degree, mom had a point.

I responded thusly:
"It's not like I talk to just anybody about my beliefs, mom. The only people I've really discussed these issues with are you, my wife and Lynn (my sister). I don't tell people to think like me, I'm only trying to make the point that there is more to church history than what we've been given as members. We're given the "official" version of the history and never told that there's another side of it. All I'm asking is for you to take an honest look at this other information and make an informed, rational decision as to whether or not you want to keep believing in the church."

"So you haven't even talked to your father about this?"

Yep, good old dad. My parents divorced when I was but a wee lad and while I've tried to maintain a good relationship with him, he's moved around a lot and doesn't spend much time with me. He was excommunicated from the church years ago but fought his way back into it, so he's obviously a dedicated follower. On the rare occasions I can get him on the phone, all he seems able to talk about it is all the temple work he's been doing. Ugh. It makes me sick to think I used to participate in all that necromancing hogwash.

"Well, sort of. I mentioned that I was thinking about leaving the church but he must have thought I was kidding because he treated it like it was a joke."

I'm really not sure how my dad would take such news if I assured him I was serious about it. I don't think he'd disown me or anything, although his mother sure would. If I ever dared admit my complete lack of faith in the church to good ol' grandma, only one of us would leave the room alive. She'd either have a heart attack right then and there or get grampa's hunting rifle and shoot me on the spot. Blood Atonement in action.

There are only a handful of people in my life that are fully aware of the about face I've taken concerning my religious beliefs. At least, those whom I've spoken to directly about it. A couple of my close friends, and my immediate family members. Surprisingly, my wife had mentioned it to our Bishop, his First Councelor as well as to her very active parents. This came as a surpise to me when she told me about it since I hadn't gotten a call from the Bish, or her dad (who, at the time, was also a Bishop). Apparently, she'd asked the bishop to just leave me alone as I worked through it. (So that's why the Home Teachers stopped calling to make appointments to come over!)

So I've managed to avoid any serious discussions (interrogations?) with anyone outside my immediate family and dodged the bullet of a "court of love" thus far, but I know my luck won't last too much longer. I don't know, maybe the bishop just doesn't want to have to deal with me right now and he'll leave it all up to his successor.

I went ahead and composed a letter detailing my unbelief. I addressed it "Dear Friends and Family" but have yet to mail it to anyone. It was more of an exercise than a real desire to spread the news of my "falling away." It helps to just get some of this baggage off my shoulders, either by talking about it to someone willing to listen or to write about it. (Hence this blog.)

Even though my mom didn't ask me what I currently believe in, I went ahead and told her anyway. I consider myself an agnostic. I can't find an explaination plausible enough to make me believe that this world and this life is all just a manifestation of chance. There simply must be a higher power and intelligent design behind it all. But who has the truth? All religions claim to have it, but they can't all be right. So I don't think any of them are. There may be elements of truth scattered amoung them, but the "we are the one and only true church on the face of the earth" claim is at best, ridiculous.

But I guess that's just the agnostic missionary in me talking.

The Road To Recovery

2006-10-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

I am a Mormon.

Technically, that is.

I haven't attended church for over a year and I no longer have a "testimony" of its truthfulness, assuming I ever really had one in the first place.

My name is still on the membership records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, although I harbor designs of resignation. I'm hoping to beat the Bishop and/or Stake President to the punch, since I'd rather "quit" the church than allow them to "fire" me a' la ex-communication.

After countless hours of research into church history and soul searching, I reached a critical point in my spirituality and took a much needed inventory of my beliefs. Everything I once considered "truth" was called into question and most, if not all, of it failed the polygraph miserably.

Deciding I could no longer live a lie, I confessed my unbelief to my wife, who was upset at first, but who has remained unconditionally supportive of me ever since. She still believes in all of it, despite my initial (and awkward) attempts to explain the reasons for my apostasy. She still wears the "sacred, not secret" temple garments and has given me a weak promise of someday reading some of the materials I have suggested.

That day has not yet come and I must accept the possibility that it may never come. I cannot force my unbelief upon her, since she has so willingly embraced the religion of her parents (which I did as well, although to a lesser extent. My family was never the "hard core" household in our local ward by any stretch.)

It was never my intention to discover the awful truth behind mormonism, at least not at first. I tripped on a website and fell facefirst into the awful mess that Joseph Smith left behind as part of his "legacy." Only then were my eyes opened to the things that have been kept from me all these years as a member of the "one true church."

To this day, the church wants to pretend these horrible truths don't exist. Officially, they either sidestep the issue, or attempt to wave them away with a curt "so what?"

I refuse to accept such pat answers, thankyouverymuch.

I am a Mormon.

But I am in recovery.

This is my journey.